While He's Still The Frontrunner

« October 2011 »

Memo to Herman Cain, Captain Pepperoni, and Black Allnuts: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm writing this as the latest GOP debate is wrapping up, and if the pattern holds true, very soon, Herman Cain will no longer be the front-runner in the GOP presidential primary. The pattern? People getting excited about someone who's not a moderate Mormon with ties to the demonized Obamacare, then listening to what they have to say, then checking to see if Chris Christie has changed his mind yet.

But for now, Herman Cain is still the frontrunner, and so I thought we'd take a longing look at why he's about to not be the frontrunner anymore in today's IDIOT SAYS THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The books are being given away to supporters to help Cain acquaint them with his life story." - Herman Cain, explaining why his own campaign is spending money to buy copies of Herman Cain's last two books directly from Herman Cain's private company.

Oh, OK. It's not a skeevy way for Cain to be reimbursed for hundreds of copies of his shitty books that would otherwise languish on the remainder shelves of whatever actual bookstores are left in America. It's just a really, really expensive way to avoid e-mailing his supporters (who, you'd think, being his supporters and all, would be acquainted with his life story) a link to his Wikipedia page. Or even his Conservapedia page. All this from a man who, by the way, proposed vetoing any legislation longer than three pages.

So when it comes to health care reform, or the president of Ubeki-beki-beki-stan-stan*, he's all Too Long, Didn't Read. But his supporters require, nay, DEMAND 480 pages of autobiography to get to the center of the discontinued pint of Black Walnut ice cream that is Herman Cain. Got it.

"Let me first say it was a joke, and some people don’t think that it was a good joke, and it’s probably not a joke that you’re supposed to make if you’re a presidential candidate. I apologize if it offended anyone. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea culpa... I don’t like to offend anyone…however, I don’t apologize for using a combination of a fence. And it might be electrified — I’m not walking away from that. I just don’t want to offend anybody. It was a joke to the extent in the context of the views of that speech, but in terms of what we need to do, I fully intend to do so because I’m more sensitive to our citizens being hurt." Herman Cain, EXPLAINING HIMSELF.

I will do my best to unpack this for you, but dear sweet merciful fuck, it is not going to be easy. Pandering to the anti-immigration crowd last Saturday, Cain proposed a 20-foot high, barbed-wire-topped, electrified fence across the entire U.S. Mexico border with signs on it that say "IT WILL KILL YOU".

This was met with the usual mix of shock and horror whenever a Republican throws some sweet, murdery red meat to the mouth-breathers and lizard-brains that make up their base, and so, the next day, in the civil, serene world of Meet The Press, Cain was allowed to say he was only joking. So then, a couple of days later, he was meeting with America's Most Racist Sheriff, Joe Arpaio, and it was time to pander again, so Cain had to explain how his joke fence was simultaneously a joke and a really, really good idea. I think we can all see how well THAT worked out for him.

"The liberal court found Him guilty of false offenses and sentenced Him to death, all because He changed the hearts and minds of men with an army of 12." - Cain, back in December, in a column for MOTHERFUCKING REDSTATE, OF ALL PLACES explaining why Jesus was "The Perfect Conservative".

By the way, in addition to being murdered by an activist "liberal court", Jesus also never collected unemployment. So you lazy fucks whose benefits are about to run out? Just start conjuring up some damn bread and fish and use that to feed your family. What's stopping you, physics?

Now, I tried doing a little Internet research on the trial of Jesus, since CourtTV didn't exist back then, and even if it did, it doesn't exist now. And then I read, on a scholarly-looking web page, that "The gospels provide three very different accounts of the trial of Jesus." So, fuck the Bible. Plus, a few sentences later, they mentioned "Josephus", which made me think of "Bocephus", which got me all irritated about Hank Williams Jr. again, which is always a danger in theological endeavors.

Now, a very cursory reading of the page up until the point where I gave up gave me the distinct impression that Jesus was arrested for participating in the ancient religious equivalent of Occupy Wall Street, which would be funny, given how much Cain hates the 99 Percent Movement. But since nobody really knows anything about this shit anyway, my interpretation is only slightly more valid than Cain's, and mine edges his out only because of my history of deep analysis and, of course, the animal magnetism inherent in my prose. Two things Herman Cain demonstrably lacks.

*Look it up. I'd have to do two columns a day, five days a week, three quotes a day, just to keep up with Herman Cain's mountain of stupid.