Halloween Episode

« October 2011 »

Memo to Halloween: YOU ARE IMMINENT.

Everyone else is doing their Halloween episode this week, why not me? It's Friday, so I'm giving you the whole weekend to ponder the effability of my holiday observations before the big day. No, really, that's what it is. It's not a cop-out at all. Stop looking at me like that. SPOOKY TOPIC SPOOKY FRIDAY!

Fuck you, Target.

I spend a lot of time in Target. I'm comfortable with that. But this year, I noticed a sign. A sign hanging in the Halloween candy section. A sign that chilled me to the bone, then inflamed my always-simmering rage. ACTUAL SIGN TIME!


Goddammit. I'm a middle-aged straight white nerd. I am not supposed to be vulnerable to the classic marketing technique of inventing new insecurities for me to have, then selling me the solution to those insecurities. I'm barely a house, dammit. Assuming there are any little shits in the neighborhood on the hunt for candy, they should thank their lucky stars I'm giving it out at all, instead of little boxes of SunMaid raisins or Chick tracts. Tell you what. How about I be the good enough house and Target can try to go a year without pissing off gay people. Deal?

Honestly, I don't know how you bald and/or impotent guys handle it. This shit is brutal.

I have to talk about "Jesus Ween" now, don't I. Fuck.

Don't look at me like that. I've been denying that "Jesus Ween" was a real thing ever since I heard about it. I mean, I'm not naive. I know about Christian "Hell Houses", and the aforementioned Chick Tracts, and the whole idea that a subset of Christianity thinks that God will like them better if they yell at a kid dressed as Thor who just wanted a goddamned Snickers.

I just didn't think we'd gotten quite to the point where they would look at the name "Jesus Ween" and say, yeah, let's go with that. That sounds good. And then they tried to justify it on their web site.

"The dictionary meaning of Ween is to expect, believe or think. We therefore see October 31st as a day to expect a gift of salvation and re-think receiving Jesus."

Yeah, well, I expect you Googled that shit to try to deal with the niggling fear in your heart - a fear not placed there by Satan - that "Jesus Ween" sounds FUCKING STUPID. And I believe that when you saw the word "archaic" next to that dictionary definition, you took as a compliment, just like you do when it's applied to your worldview. And I think, which puts me one up on you.

And finally, I've given this warning before, but it's been a while, and it bears repeating. DON'T DRESS UP YOUR PETS.

I know it's cute. For you. But the pet doesn't know it's wearing an Ewok costume. The pet just knows it has a rag on its head and its owner keeps saying Yub Nub. It does not know why Yub Nub.

It's 2011. We have Photoshop. We probably have an app for your phone that will put a hat on a picture of your dog for you, so that you don't even have to go that far. You can dress your pets up digitally. You'll be happier, your pet will be happier, and the Internet won't know the difference. Everyone on Facebook will still follow up with the obligatory "aww..." or "so cute lol". The circle of life will remain intact.

Now, if you don't mind me, I'm going to try to channel the essence of the modern suburban eight-year-old to see if the assortment of individually-wrapped mini candy bars in my living room meets a standard I don't even understand. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.