And The Rest

« December 2011 »

Memo to Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Newt Gingrich: YOU ARE LEFT.

Herman's gone, but there's plenty of stupidity left in the remaining candidates. Romney doesn't even bother talking anymore, and Ron Paul is Ron Paul. Can I get the last five into an all-star edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS? Of course I can.

"I'm not a scientist, I'm not a physicist, but I would defer to science in that discussion, and I would say that the scientific community owes us more in terms of a better description or explanation about what might lie beneath all of this. But there's not enough information right now to be able to formulate policies in terms of addressing it overall, primarily because it's a global issue," he went on. "We can enact policies here. But I wouldn't want to unilaterally disarm as a country, I wouldn't want to hinder job creators during a time when our economy is flat." - Jon Huntsman, at the Heritage Foundation.

I can only assume that Huntsman, long seen as the sane, reasonable one in the GOP primary, was being sane and reasonable on purpose in the hopes of attracting an under-served Republican constituency. Upon discovering that no such constituency existed yesterday morning, he quickly pivoted, and started questioning global warming.

It's a shame, because on Monday, Huntsman had 2% and a veneer of integrity. And today, he just has the two percent.

"There are many on the left and in the scientific community, so to speak, who are afraid of that discussion because oh my goodness you might mention the word, God-forbid, “God” in the classroom, or “Creator,” or that there may be some things that are inexplainable by nature where there may be, where it’s better explained by a Creator, of course we can’t have that discussion. It’s very interesting that you have a situation that science will only allow things in the classroom that are consistent with a non-Creator idea of how we got here, as if somehow or another that’s scientific. Well maybe the science points to the fact that maybe science doesn’t explain all these things. And if it does point to that, why don’t you pursue that? But you can’t because it’s not science, but if science is pointing you there how can you say it’s not science? It’s worth the debate." - Rick Santorum, serving up some six-thousand-year-old word salad.

Forget, for a second, that Rick Santorum is arguing that creationism should be taught in schools. Pretend your kid just got home from school. If you don't have kids, you'll have to pretend harder, but that's what all that extra energy and free time is for. Anyway, your kid comes home from school, and you ask him what he learned today, and he replies, "Well, I learned that maybe the science points to the fact that maybe science doesn't explain all these things."

You would go to that school and you'd have some serious words about both their science curriculum and their English curriculum. When a level of coherence unacceptable from a middle school student is coming out of a presidential candidate, well, I think we should all be glad the fucker's not even qualified for a brief stint in the Notmitt hot seat.

"Congresswoman Bachmann is a member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence and is fully aware that we do not have an embassy in Iran and have not had one since 1980. She was agreeing with the actions taken by the British to secure their embassy personnel and was speaking in the hypothetical, that if she was President of the United States and if we had an embassy in Iran, she would have taken the same actions as the British." - The official Bachmann campaign statement after Bachmann said she'd close the nonexistent American embassy in Tehran if she were president.

Bachmann's office exhibits a rare logical fallacy here, Propter scio, ergo post scio. Which is porcine Latin for "She should have known, therefore she must have known." I suppose it could also be considered an appeal to her own authority. Michele Bachmann is on the House Select Committee on Intelligence! How could she be so stupid and be on a committee named "Intelligence"? Clearly you misunderstood her and wrongly accused her of making a mistake, because what other evidence is there that Michele Bachmann is really, really stupid?

And even taking her at her word, which is always an awful idea, what kind of foreign policy statement is that? If, on the unlikely chance that we ever have an embassy in Iran, and the even unlikelier chance that something happens just like what happened to make Britain close their embassy, and the much, much, much more unlikely chance that, at that time, Michele Bachmann were the fucking President, she would totally close that embassy. Good to know!

"So having men and women who share my philosophy, and then giving clear instruction to those agencies. And if the bureaucrats in that agency try to block -- Health and Human Service is a great example. If you have Health and Human Service bureaucrats that try to block our being able to block grant dollars back to the states so you all can decide how best to deliver health care in New Hampshire -- I don't think you can fire federal bureaucrats, but you can reassign them. So reassign them to some really god-awful place." - Rick Perry, putting the red in red meat.

Ah, Rick Perry. Remember him? What month was he the flavor of again? I admit, I really thought he had a shot, but that was before I, along with the rest of America, learned that he's even worse in a debate than James Stockdale*. Now Perry's hanging around the Single Digits Club with Santorum and Huntsman, wishing he'd bought a lot more white paint and some flash cards.

Anyway, in this speech, Perry threatens to send political dissidents to a post in Siberia, which of course makes him a good, solid Republican in the role of Ronald "Single-Handedly Defeated The Soviet Empire" Reagan.

"I repudiate, and I call on the President to repudiate, the concept of the 99 and the 1. It is un-American, it is divisive, it is historically false." - Newt Gingrich, Republican frontrunner.

As the at least temporary frontrunner, I'll probably be spending a lot of time with Newt Gingrich, at least until the Iowa caucuses. I'm not sure how Gingrich is going to be able to accept and abide by the results of the Iowa caucuses, because each of the candidates will be getting a certain percentage of the vote, and that percentage will add up to 100.

And, as we see here, Newt Gingrich is fundamentally opposed to the idea of percentages. He's demanding that Obama repudiate mathematics, because it's un-American, divisive, and historically false to suggest that you can split the population into one group, containing 99% of the population, and another group, containing 1% of the population.

Gingrich is right that percentages are divisive. I mean, they're defined by dividing by 100. You don't get much more divisive than actual division. And I suppose math is, in this day and age, an un-American concept. I guess Newt likes percentages that add up to more than 100%, you know, like how the bottom 99% seem to always have less than 50% of the political power.

*Kids, ask your grandparents.