Look, The Fucker Earned It

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Memo to Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Rick Santorum: STOP RHYMING WITH AND BEING DUMB.

It's hard to believe that, in the Republican presidential primary, Rick Santorum is still in the frothy mix. The field is down to four, or, more accurately, three and Ron Paul, and with all the attention on Romney vs. Gingrich, Santorum's feeling left out. You know, like the coat check guy at an orgy. And what does Rick Santorum do when he's in need of attention? Say outlandish shit. Or not say anything when his supporters say outlandish shit. Let me put it this way. His lame excuses for not correcting the supporter who called Obama a foreign Muslim? Not even close to the threshold set by the three quotes that give him his second IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS hat-trick in as many weeks.

"I love when the left and the president says, 'Don't try to impose your values on us, you folks who hold your values in your hand and cling to your gods. They have values, too. Our values are based on religion based up high. Their values are based on religion of self. It's equally imposing values, it's just in their world if it's biblically-based or religiously-based, it's out." - Santorum, who the Huffington Post couldn't help but point out was asked a question about creating jobs.

Santorum's blind rhetorical flailing almost knocked a bit of candy out of the pinata, there. Government does impose values on society. Always has, always will. But a secular government, which is what the United States pretends to have, what the true left strives for, and what the president does a pretty decent job of believing in? Secular governments determine the values based on reason. Based on demonstrable harm to society and the individuals participating in it.

Sometimes, these values happen to overlap religious values - for example, while "thou shalt not kill" has any number of exceptions carved out for it, in general, it's a value shared by religious nutters and fervent atheists alike. But if it's JUST biblically based? Well, fuck right off, because we don't all follow the alleged proscriptions your alleged deity laid down in a constantly retranslated book. And your attempts to make those proscriptions into secular arguments are shitty and unconvincing. Don't blame us for the fact that your faith isn't evidence-based.

As for the "religion of self" bullshit, that's just Creationism 101, trying to bring evolution, or atheism, or the belief in secular law down to the level of your own superstition, because every time you try to fight it on the level of science, evidence, or observation, you get spanked and sent home crying. Sure, it plays with the rubes, but the last time I checked the numbers for Republicans in Florida, which is the fucking Rubicon of rubes, it's only playing well with about 12% of them.

"When he goes around and tries to divide America and aligns himself with Occupy Wall Street. Says, this dividing of America, 99-1. You know it’s not 99-1. It’s anybody that makes money and pays taxes and everybody who doesn’t. That’s the 99-1. It’s anybody who goes out and succeeds in America versus those who should have that wealth redistributed." - Santorum, trying way too late in the game to properly hate on poor people instead of gay people.

What I love about this quote is watching Santorum try to combine two hoary GOP talking poins - first, that the whole "1% thing" is divisive, and second, the "46% of people are too poor to pay federal income taxes" thing, and mashes them together in a union more unholy than the filthiest gay sex Rick Santorum fantasizes about on a daily basis.

Right out the gate, dividing America 99-1 is wrong! It's divisive! Next point? We shouldn't be dividing 99-1, we should be dividing, well, by whatever fucking numbers he means by "pays taxes" and "doesn't". Let's assume, because he's a dickhead, he means the federal income tax division, which is 54-46. And 54-46, is, in Rick Santorum's own words, "the 99-1". Which is innumeracy of the highest order, but as we've seen in the past, that didn't stop Newt Gingrich.

So it's wrong to divide, so instead we should divide differently. Now, to be fair to Rick, that's been the GOP talking point all year in response to the Occupy Wall Street movement and the growing awareness of income inequality. Rick just expressed it more clumsily than Mitt Romney does, which is an impressive feat. He even describes poor people as people who SHOULD have that wealth redistributed, but I'm sure he didn't mean to say "should". I think he was trying to say "black people".

"Well, you can make the argument that if she doesn’t have this baby, if she kills her child, that that, too, could ruin her life. And this is not an easy choice. I understand that. As horrible as the way that that son or daughter and son was created, it still is her child. And whether she has that child or doesn’t, it will always be her child. And she will always know that. And so to embrace her and to love her and to support her and get her through this very difficult time, I’ve always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you. As you know, we have to, in lots of different aspects of our life. We have horrible things happen. I can’t think of anything more horrible. But, nevertheless, we have to make the best out of a bad situation." - Rick Santorum, separating himself from the crowd.

But it's here, in this convoluted attempt to provide a rationalization for outlawing abortion even in the case of rape victims, that Rick Santorum really pulls out all the stops and shows how utterly fucking vile he, and his pro-life, right-wing, evangelical Christian worldview really are. I'm not going to go into the minutiae of this. I'm not going to break it down step by step. What I'm going to do is take away the excess verbage and the pretend compassion and the softening the blow, and tell you, in five words, what Rick Santorum believes in his heart.

"God gives women rape babies."

That's what he said. That's his justification for outlawing abortion for rape victims. God gave them a rape baby, so they should "make the best out of a bad situation". Well, not the best. A distant, distant second or possibly third best. Way, way behind a simple medical procedure that will prevent a single act of violence from turning into a lifetime sentence to bear, care for, raise, and shoulder the expense of a child.

I don't want any part of a God that thinks that's a gift, and luckily, despite a brief flirtation in Iowa, America doesn't seem to want much to do with a vile little turd who thinks his God thinks that's a gift.

"Conservatives Unite Moneybomb: Now Through Saturday! - Rick Santorum's web page.

Rick Santorum doesn't understand how acronyms work. And neither do his followers, because apparently, Rick Santorum's CUM has wildly overshot its target, and splattered a money shot over two and a half times the size of Rick's one-million-dollar indecent proposal. And I couldn't be happier, because that means thousands of evangelical fuckwads have spent thousands of dollars on a completely lost cause. To them, I raise a toast. Here's CUM in your eye!