I Didn't Mean It!

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Memo to Roland Martin, Einstein High School, and Allen West: NOT BUYING IT.

I've said it before, but I love bad excuses. And this truly has been a banner week for them. But since the people at Komen and Pete Hoekstra's bad excuses are worthy of their own column, I'll just prime the pump, as it were, with some classic shitty walkbacks from other people. Let's call it IDIOTS PRETEND THEY DIDN'T SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I made several cracks about soccer as I do all the time. I was not referring to sexuality directly or indirectly regarding the David Beckham ad, and I'm sorry folks took it otherwise. It was meant to be a deliberately over the top and sarcastic crack about soccer." - CNN's Roland Martin, explaining that people simply misunderstood his Super Bowl tweets.

It had nothing to do with sexuality. Or violence against people. All he said was "If a dude at your Super Bowl party is hyped about David Beckham's H&M underwear ad, smack the ish out of him!" See, because being hyped about David Beckham isn't about being gay, it's about liking soccer, which is totally gay. Wait. Hold on.

"Ain't no real bruhs going to H&M to buy some damn David Beckham underwear!", see, because "real bruhs" don't like soccer, because soccer is totally gay. Wait. Goddammit. Why isn't this working? Let's look at a later Twitter defense. "Did you read my cracks on the Giants player in the pink suit?" Because guys in pink are... not manly in some way that totally doesn't mean they're gay?

"The board of education policy allows materials and announcements from non-profit community organizations to be distributed at four designated times during the school year.” - Einstein High School, explaining why it distributed a flyer from "PFOX", aka Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays.

The school just passes things along. If any non-profit community organization walks into this DC-area school district with a bunch of flyers, the school will take them, not bother to look at them or who they're from, and just hand the fuckers out. Doesn't matter if they say things, like, oh...

"Each year, thousands of people with unwanted same-sex attractions make the personal decision to leave a gay identity through gender affirming programs, including therapy, faith based ministries, and other nonjudgmental environments."

PFOX is clearly a deliberate attempt at a mirror organization to PFLAG, trying to pretend that "ex-gays" are subjected to discrimination by the gay community after their successful, non-judgmental, faith-based ex-gay ministries are completed. Of course, that would imply that "ex-gays" aren't just, you know. Straight people. They're something other than straight. Because gay people aren't generally discriminatory against straight people.

But if ex-gays are something other than straight, then either the ex-gay therapy didn't actually work, or they're proselytizing their "personal decisions" and trying to convert gay people. You're not "out" as an ex-gay, you're just straight. Or you're a bunch of dickheads, and schools shouldn't be in the business of helping dickheads spread their dickhead message just because they've got a non-profit status. And if they decide to be in that instance, they should own up to it, and not try to pawn it off as just a thing that happened beyond their control.

"The other thing is that I did not refer to any person leaving. If you go back and read the transcript of the message that I gave, it was about equality of achievement, it was about economic dependence, it was about enslaving the American entrepreneur’s will and spirit. That message needs to leave this country." - Rep. Allen West.

Normally I wouldn't take Allen West's advice, but since the Iraqi that didn't take Allen West's advice had the shit beaten out of him, and had Allen West fire off his gun next to his face, I think I'll compy and read the transcript of the message that he gave. ACTUAL TRANSCRIPT OF THE MESSAGE THAT HE GAVE TIME!

"This is a battlefield that we must stand upon and we need to let president Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and my dear friend, the chairman of the Democrat National Committee, we need to let them know that Florida ain't on the table. Take your message of equality of achievement, take your message of economic dependency, and take your message of enslaving the entrepreneurial will and spirit of the American people somewhere else. You can take it to Europe, you can take it to the bottom of the sea, you can take it to the North Pole, but get the hell out of the United States of America."

Oops. See, here's the thing. Allen West was TWO LETTERS AWAY from being right. I've gone the extra mile and checked the tape, and Allen West very deliberately, and very carefully, does not say get IT the hell out of the United States of America. Which means, by the rules of grammar, which I realize mean as much to Allen West as, say, the Geneva Convention does, but still. By the rules of grammar, "get the hell out" doesn't refer to the message, it refers to Obama, Reid, Pelosi, and Wasserman-Schulz. If he really believes that the message needs to leave the country, and not the people he's pretending are sending that message, then he needed an "it" there.

If he'd said he "misspoke", he might have been the first politician ever to have a case that they actually misspoke when they fucked up. But he didn't say that, and he didn't misspeak. To claim otherwise would be to accuse Allen West of subtlety, and that's a charge that, like abuse of an Iraqi prisoner, will never really stick to him.