The Dumbest Man In Congress

« February 2012 »

Memo to Steve King, Steve King, and Steve King: YOU ARE DUMB.

I've said it before - Iowa's Steve King is the single dumbest member of the entire Congress, which makes becoming the dumbest member of Congress the only thing of significance Steve King has achieved in life. And recently, Steve King spoke at CPAC, or, as I like to call it, Wingnut Comicon.

Now, ridiculous red meat to the wingnut base is CPAC's stock in trade, but Steve King clearly went to Sam's Club to buy the giant value pack of stupid, because his one speech contained enough stupid for an entire week's worth of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. Be lucky I'm just giving you the "high" points.

"The liberals – the environmentalists, the extremists, the Al Gores of the world – were wrong on the science, and today we know it. And I have an Al Gore shower at my place and I took my drill bit out with an eighth-inch bit in it, and I drilled all the holes out so now I can take a shower in three minutes instead of twelve. Sorry Al. But I got a scoop shovel for you if you want to come to any of the fifty states in America. For the first time in the history of keeping records, there is snowfall on the ground in all fifty states. It is tough to make an argument when the evidence is all around us, the snowy white wonder in a crystal cathedral." - Steve King, according to prepared remarks posted on a right-wing news site. What he actually said about the showers was even crazier, but I couldn't find an accurate source for the surrounding snow stuff.

I think one of the biggest takeaways from this is that Steve King only takes three-minute showers. Which means that Steve King reeks of stale BO, with hints of poop and an overwhelming miasma of Old Spice. Because I don't care how much water is coming through your showerhead, if you're in and out in 180 seconds, you're missing some key areas.

Also, there is no such thing as an "Al Gore shower". Yes, there is a federal cap on shower flow rates, dating from the 90s, but water use isn't a global warming thing, it's, well, a fucking water-use thing. And the cap is two and a half gallons a minute, which is not an insignificant amount of water.

As for "snowy white wonder in a crystal cathedral", I'd suggest that Steve King stop writing Robert Schuller fanfic long enough to pop one state north to Minnesota, where I've gotten out the "scoop shovel" a total of four times this year to move less than a foot and a half of snow this entire winter. I mean, yes, also, weather is not climate, and freakish shit is part of global warming, but I've spent four months looking at grass and pavement, not snowy-white crystal. Which you must be fucking snorting to say the shit you say.

"And at night, the janitors would come through, which were Nancy's Stasi troops, and screw out those light bulbs, those Edison bulbs, and give me, every once in a while, those curlicue bulbs... So I got this green bag right here. And I filled it up with the black market light bulbs. And I brought them back to my office here in the Capitol. Whenever I need to put a bulb in the lamp, I reach in this green bag and I screw it in there and smile. A little bit of my liberty back. A little bit of our freedom back. And I want to challenge you to do the same thing. Bring back some of that liberty, some of that freedom." - Steve King, actual remarks.

As for "screw it in there and smile", I'd suggest that Steve King stop writing Robert Schuller fanfic and go fuck himself. I think that, if the Democrats retake Congress in 2012, they should pass a mandate requiring that members of Congress refrain from punching themselves in the balls every five minutes. Then, en masse, the freedom-loving, liberty-loving Republicans like Steve King will immediately start punching themselves in the balls every five minutes to prove that liberal big government can't tell them what to do.

Also, government efficiency mandates aside, if I went into my office and started fucking with any changes the maintenance staff made to my office, which is not my personal property but rather the property of my employer, I would get my ass fired. Especially if I stood in front of cameras and a cheering crowd and bragged about it. Oh, I'd be full of liberty and freedom. At least an extra eight hours a day's-worth.

"Mr. President, if you’re serious about negotiating, then let’s do all of the things I’ve said." - Steve King, again, from the prepared remarks.

As for "doing all the things" that Steve King "said", I'd suggest that Steve King stop writing Robert Schuller fanfic and buy a dictionary. There, he can look up the meaning of the word "negotiate", which is not "follow the advice of a crazy corn-fucker from Iowa and abandon every single one of your proposals in order to take up the opposition's phony plan for tort reform".

That, by the way, was the context of "do all of the things that I've said", in case you were worried that this much-shorter quote was lifted from context to make it sound ridiculous. It was already ridiculous, I just didn't want you to have to read the rambling inanity that surrounded it, so I paraphrased, because that's the kind of service I provide.

And, as always, Steve King is a shithead.