You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
How To Be Inappropriate
Memo to Michelle Obama, Walter Jones, and Ann Romney: LET'S TALK INAPPROPRIATE.
We are currently in one of our periodic phases where we pay close attention to words. See, Rush Limbaugh got in trouble for expressing some truly awful ideas using a couple of mean words, so now everyone on the right is looking to even the score by being hyperattentive to the words of anyone left of center-right and screaming bloody murder about it. A concept which is at the heart of this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"FLOTUS spokeswoman Olivie Alair says Robert DeNiro's joke last night about a white first lady is 'inappropriate.'" - Tweet from NBC News regarding the response to the Fake De Niro Pontifigurd.
What, you may ask, is the Fake De Niro Pontifigurd? Well, at an Obama fundraiser, Robert De Niro asked if America was ready for a white first lady. Newt Gingrich proceeded to eat bratwurst until his face turned three shades redder, then pretended to be angry about what De Niro said, and called on Obama to apologize.
Michelle Obama's official statement was that the joke was "inappropriate". That's fucking stupid. It wasn't inappropriate. There is no way on earth that joke was even remotely edgy. It's a straightforward joke playing off years of "Is America ready for a black president?" talk in the media. Nothing inappropriate about it. It actually is possible to refer to race without committing a faux pas. When will they learn that they can't possibly make an issue like this "go away" with a quick acknowledgment like this? Never, that's when.
Robert De Niro even went and said he didn't mean to offend anyone, which is true, but for the wrong reasons. Because he didn't offend anyone. Couldn't offend anyone, even. Completely impossible to offend someone with that joke. Which means that anyone SAYING they're offended is a liar, which is what De Niro and the Obamas should have said. But they didn't, because they want the fake controversy to go away, and the whole point of a fake controversy is not to let it go away.
"What is the event that the administration and General Allen, you sir, are going to be candid with the United States Congress and more important than the Congress, the American people as we spend $10 billion a month that we can't pay for, the Chinese, Uncle Chang, is lending us the money we are spending in Afghanistan." - Rep. Walter "Freedom Fries" Jones, staying classy.
Now THAT'S what I call fucking inappropriate.
If Ron Paul hasn't taught liberals the dangers of latching on to crazy people who happen to agree with liberals on a key issue or two, I give you Walter Jones, former rabid jingoist turned Republican anti-war voice. And a complete dickhead. The guy invented "Freedom Fries", for fuck's sake. I don't care if he's had an epiphany about America's Glorious Endless Wars, he's still an asshole.
And like all assholes, he says some really awful things. Not only does he perpetuate the Modern Yellow Peril lie of us borrowing all our money from the Chinese and it being dangerous because that means the Chinese are gonna own us, he calls the Chinese "Uncle Chang". Uncle Chang? What the fuck? Did Walter Jones used to work for Chik Fil-A? That's the kind of slur you put on a restaurant ticket, not say on the floor of the House of Representatives.
By which I mean the idealized, Founding Fathers, Schoolhouse Rock version of the House of Representatives, of course. Not the actual, current House of Reprobates, home to dozens upon dozens of mental deficients and clinically insane people who finagled three thousand lawn signs and the votes of tri-corner racists into a seat at the lawmaking table. With THIS Congress, we should just be happy Walter Jones didn't bring in a gong and show us his dirty knees and the Coke he peepeed in.
"We can be poor in spirit, and I don't even consider myself wealthy, which is an interesting thing. It can be here today and gone tomorrow." - Ann Romney, being even more inappropriate than Walter Jones, when you think about it.
That's not an "interesting" thing. That is either a blatant screaming lie, or a case of self-delusion so severe that nobody would be able to touch Ann Romney's anti-reality field without exploding. Because Ann Romney, like Mitt Romney, is really, really, really fucking wealthy.
And you know what? When you're wealthy like the Romneys, it can't actually be here today and gone tomorrow. That fate is reserved for the poor, where a single setback can wipe them out entirely. Or for the middle class, who are the ones whose 401Ks can get sucked into a Ponzi scheme, and can spend more than they lost on a lawyer trying to get it back. But Ann Romney will be wealthy until the day she dies, and when she dies, her kids will be wealthy, too.
But nobody's calling on Ann Romney to apologize for being a clueless sociopathic monster. Funny how that works.