Comedy, Mendacity, and Perfidy

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Memo to Mitt Romney: IT'S A WONDER YOU'RE EVEN COMPETITIVE.

Yes, it's time for Mondays With Mitt! No theme song yet, because I'm still trying to round up an orchestra of former Romney domestic employees all willing to come together and play "The Imperial March" on a bunch of out of tune kazoos. Not making much headway on that one. I only have two kazoos, and they happen to be in tune. So let's just get into it.

"His new slogan is: Progress. No, forward. Forward! That’s it! Progress would be better. I might use that one myself, actually. Forward, what, over the cliff?” - Mitt Romney, trying his hand at mockery.

Aw, isn't that adorable. IT THINKS IT'S PEOPLE. Now, Mitt, I know a little bit about mocking politicians for saying stupid shit, so let me give you some advice. First, when telling a joke, it's important, and I cannot stress this enough, it's important to memorize the setup. The setup, or "premise", is the foundation on which the car elevator of your joke is constructed. Without a solid setup, you'll never get your many vehicles from the first floor of your garage to the second floor of your garage, comedically speaking.

Second, I'm not sure if you've met the people from your political party lately, but you do realize that if you use the word "progress" as a slogan, they'll fucking lynch you, right? "Progress" is 70% of "progressive", and crazy people who will infer the wrong thing from that are 70% of the Republican Party. And if they lynch you before the election, I can't enjoy you losing properly.

And third, let me suggest some alternate punchlines. "Foreword? Like the one he ghost-wrote for Bill Ayers who ghost-wrote Dreams From My Father?" "Forward my wife, please!" "Forward! I don't know! Third base!" "You know what's forward? Women wanting to control their own reproduction! Am I right, fellas? We're all fellas here, right? Thought so."

"I’m actually gonna — I’m not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was. I’ll go back and take a look at what was said there." - Mitt Romney, on his various positions on whether it's appropriate to attack Obama over Jeremiah Wright. Again.

It's entirely possible that, in the past two months, you've forgotten that Mitt Romney said this, or put it in the back of your mind, which is why I've waited until now to remind you of it. Because that's the Romney campaign, folks. Say everything, and stand by it, no matter what it is, and no matter how many things you've said in the past, on tape, that contradict it. Because, hell, what's the media gonna do about it? Construct some kind of narrative connecting all the dots that exposes you to be a pathological liar? Sorry, Al Gore used that up when he didn't actually say he invented the Internet. Oh well.

“There is no question but that he’s attacking capitalism. in part I think because he doesn’t understand how the free economy works. He’s never had a job in the free economy, neither has Vice President Biden." - Mitt Romney, just being a dick.<?p>

You know what? Forget policy. Forget political parties, and race, and everything else that's making up the 2012 race, and focus on this. One of the candidates thinks that being a community organizer, a government employee, and a public servant isn't being a part of the "free economy", and that being a dickhead vulture capitalist, wealthy scion, and self-proclaimed "author" according to his paperwork is. And this man is looking to become the ultimate government employee, at the pinnacle of public service.

So on that alone, I'm fully comfortable saying FUCK THAT GUY.