Ann Now For Something Slightly Different

« July 2012 »


There is an unspoken rule in politics that you don't attack your opponent's family. Wait, no. Not unspoken. They say it all the time. What's the word I'm thinking of? Oh, yeah. UNFOLLOWED. Also, invented. It's not actually a rule. It's occasionally cited as a rule by one side who wants to score points against the other side by implying that one of their supporters is a big meaniehead, but that's not a rule, that's a tactic. Tactics are different.

Anyway, just because someone is married to or related to a candidate doesn't mean they're not capable of being horrible, horrible people in their own right. And this column has never shied away from making fun of people who are horrible people in their own right. So today, I'm devoting "Mondays With Mitt" to Ann Romney, matriarch of the Romney clan and horrible person in her own right. No theme song, but if you want, you can sing a sort of lite rock version of any of the previoius theme songs to yourself.

"I doubt that. Our vacations and our happiness come from being with our children and our grandchildren." - Ann Romney, upon being asked if she and Mitt would vacation abroad as often as the Obamas if they won the White House.

There's a couple of problems here. The first being that the Obama family, if you include trips taken by Michelle Obama and one or more of their daughters, have vacationed abroad a total of two out of 16 trips. The only way to get that they've vacationed abroad in any appreciable measure is if you assume that Hawaii is a foreign country. Which I know a lot of 'wingers do, but it's a state. Has a couple Senators and everything.

But even if you take the premise as valid, Ann Romney is either stupid, venal, or both. Because every single time they've gone on vacation, the Obamas have been with their children. And they don't have grandchildren, because for one, their daughters aren't old enough to have kids. Malia just turned 14, which is young even for a Mormon bride. So, contrary to Ann Romney's little snide slur, the Obamas also enjoy spending time with their families during vacations, and traveling abroad isn't actually incompatible with visiting your family, unless, of course, your family is full of quiverfull, no-birth-control-using Mormons who you'd need to be incredibly rich to travel abroad with.... hey! Why are the Romneys too cheap to travel abroad with their grandkids?

"You know, you should really look at where Mitt has led his life, and where he’s been financially. He’s a very generous person. We give 10 percent of our income to our church every year. Do you think that is the kind of person who is trying to hide things, or do things? No. He is so good about it. Then, when he was governor of Massachusetts, didn’t take a salary for four years. We’ve given all you people need to know and understand about our financial situation and how we live our life. - Ann Romney, on Good Morning America.

A lot of people have focused on the patrician use of "you people" here, and it's certainly worth mentioning. But I'd like to point out a couple of other things. First, Ann claiming that Mitt is "generous" because he gives 10% of his income to the church. A ten percent tithe is the MANDATED MINIMUM. They make him give ten percent, and he gives ten percent, and not a penny more. That's not generosity. If the Mormons let him pay five percent on his capital gains income, Mitt would fucking well take that deal. We all know it.

And second, if he's so generous, why did he deny the Mormon church something on the order of $40 to $50,000 by not taking a salary as governor? That's around $125,000 a year. Ten percent of that would have gone to the Mormons for four years. But Mitt threw that money away, because he was so rich he could afford to seem magnanimous. Why is the "lamestream media" not covering Mitt's tithe-dodging ways? They're in the tank!

"I have to tell you. This is Ann’s sport. I’m not even sure which day the sport goes on. She will get the chance to see it, I will not be watching the event. I hope her horse does well.” - Mitt Romney, on his wife's dressage horse competing in the Olympics.

OK, this isn't from Ann, this is about Ann, but I'll allow it, because I think it's fucking hilarious, plus it's my column.

See, Mitt Romney has become dimly aware that the fact that his family has a dancing, prancing horse in an Olympic sport that makes polo look like backyard wrestling in terms of snob appeal might make him look bad. So his plan is to turn it into one of those crazy hobbies our wives have, right, fellas? Like scrapbooking or needlepoint or fucking the pool boy. It keeps them quiet and out of our hair while we're watching football, right, fellas? It's some dancing horse thing! I don't even watch it. I don't even know when it's going on... fellas? Guys? You with me here? Where are you going?

I have to say, I think the solution to this image problem reflects more badly on both Mitt and Ann than the fucking dancing horse does. For one thing, it's clearly a lie. For another thing, it's a lie that belittles Ann. And for a related thing, Ann's acquiescing to being publicly belittled so that her husband won't have to deal with the image problem caused by a competition-level dancing horse.

Gotta love politics.