The Final Mittdown

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Memo to Mitt Romney: YOU HAVE BEEN VERY DUMB.

Today is the final Monday With Mitt. Tomorrow is Election Day. If Mitt loses, I suspect I will never feel the need to even mention his name again. If he wins, he won't be restricted to Mondays.

For the final MWM, I give you a gift. Here is the complete list of things I've hit Mitt Romney over since I started Mondays With Mitt on May 7, shortly after he became the presumptive nominee. It's... a long fucking list, and even if you can nitpick away half of it through partisan dishonesty, you're left with an incredibly damning indictment of the man who would be President. Here we go.

MITT ROMNEY:

  • Promised that, as president, he would ensure that every single college graduate would have a job.
  • Criticized an American-made car because it didn't run on gasoline.
  • Held a gay kid down in high school and cut off his hair while the kid cried, then explained it away as "hijinks".
  • Said the kids of parents on welfare get conditioned to be indolent and unproductive.
  • Says that secularism is a religion, and that it's at war with Christianity.
  • Said he would get rid of Planned Parenthood.
  • Has a wife who explained that she loved that some women don't have a choice about working.
  • Made fun of a local bakery's cookies.
  • Pretended that the right to bear arms is under attack in America.
  • Thinks everyone should live in a mansion like the Papa John's founder.
  • Explained that all young people need to do to get rich is borrow money from their parents to start a business.
  • Did that thing where a supporter accused Obama of treason at a rally and promised he'd look into it if he gets elected.
  • Courted and encouraged the support of nutjob, reality TV star, and birther Donald Trump.
  • Pretended he had to keep a Solyndra rally secret because shadowy forces might silence him.
  • Sent his campaign crew to disrupt an Obama administration press conference because some Obama supporters heckled him at a rally.
  • Claims opposing gay marriage is a secular choice, not a religious one.
  • Thinks Rick Scott should be able to drug-test poor people at will even though it costs more money than it saves, because state's rights.
  • Thinks the free market system is a zero sum game, so big losses are no big deal.
  • Thinks the Occupy protesters are too stupid to understand how the free market works.
  • Thinks Barack Obama is too stupid to understand how the free market works.
  • Actually said, "I’m actually gonna — I’m not familiar precisely with exactly what I said, but I stand by what I said, whatever it was. I’ll go back and take a look at what was said there" about whether it's appropriate to still go after Obama on the Rev. Wright thing.
  • Keeps trying to be funny and has zero aptitude for it.
  • Ran Bain Capital, which brought with it a litany of sin so extensive that he had to lie about when he left it to avoid the worst of it.
  • Thinks black people don't like him because he'll take away all their free government stuff.
  • Would make almost five million dollars by passing his own tax plan.
  • Paid his kid 27 grand to do campaign... stuff?
  • Threw his wife and her dancing horse under the bus when it started becoming a political liability.
  • Has a wife who claimed that a mandatory minimum payment to the Mormon church that also results in tax deductions constitutes incredible generosity.
  • Has a wife who implied, contrary to fact, that Obama would rather hobnob with foreigners than spend time with his family.
  • Said that Israel, which is full of white people, is richer than Palestine, which is full of brown people, because Israel had a superior "culture", then extended the analogy to the United States and Mexico.
  • Called Obama "foreign to the American experience", during a time when he and his surrogates decided to play the "how many plausible synonyms for 'black' can we come up with?" game
  • Lied / was wrong about whether the Aurora shooter had his weapons legally.
  • Picked, as his running mate, the man responsible for the ridiculous "Ryan Budget" that ridiculous people take seriously.
  • Picked, as a running mate, a man who asked for stimulus money, demonized the stimulus, then lied about getting the stimulus money.
  • Cracks birther jokes.
  • Enjoys playing practical jokes on others, but turns angry and violent when people play practical jokes on him.
  • Thought it was funny to say he'd erased reporters' hard drives.
  • Thinks black people aren't voting for him because they're too stupid to understand him.
  • Thinks "having a fair shot" means getting "as much education as you can afford".
  • Picked, as his running mate, a Randian evangelical who wants to outlaw all abortion and who lies about his marathon time.
  • Has said, in broad terms, what he would do as President. Has not said, in any way, shape, or form, those things could actually be economically, mathematically, or physically possible.
  • Thinks that if people want stupid, socialist, universal health care coverage like Obamacare, they should move to Massachussets where he set up Obamacare.
  • Thinks a primary qualification for the presidency is finding every tax dodge he possibly can.
  • Thinks "middle income" is $200,000-$250,000 a year.
  • Openly and repeatedly mocked the idea of "slowing the rise of the oceans".
  • Built his entire early fall campaign and nominating convention around an out-of-context Obama quote ("You didn't build that." expressing a concept Romney himself had expressed publicly during the Salt Lake City Olympics.
  • In private, demonized Obama voters as the 47% of the country that are parasites and moochers and think they're "victims", and more importantly, people Romney doesn't give a shit about.
  • Pre-memorized "zingers" to use in the debates.
  • Joked about the fire on his wife's plane to Denver.
  • Told a homeless person to go home and call information for help.
  • Takes advantage of coal miners ordered to attend pro-Romney rallies.
  • Is likable and relatable because he was the president of his college frat, called "The Cougar Club".
  • Thinks his success is 95% due to being born in America.
  • Talks shit about Europe and California because the mouth-breathers love that shit.
  • Thinks poor people going to emergency rooms coughing up blood is an adequate substitute for preventive care.
  • Got all pissy about "Romnesia' after trying to coin "Obamaloney".
  • Found the worst possible way to attack Obama on Benghazi during the debate, and botched it.
  • Has, as a commendable quality, the willingness to tie up the yachts of billionaire hotel moguls.
  • Blames gun violence on promiscuous women.
  • Thinks the United Nations should invade Iran and arrest Ahmedinajad on charges of saying mean things about Israel.
  • Thinks Syria is Iran's route to the sea, and that that's really, really important.
  • Lied his ass off about Jeep moving jobs to China to try to scare blue-collar Midwesterners into voting for him.
  • As governor of Massachusetts, interfered bureaucratically to make it more difficult for gay couples to get birth certificates for their kids..

Mitt Romney is a shithead. You shouldn't vote for a shithead.