The Mewling Of The Butthurt

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Memo to Mark Steyn, Tom McClasky, and Grover Nordquist: YOU ARE DUMB.

You've got to let me have this. I know the election has been over for a week, but goddammit, I've earned this. This election crushed the spirits of so many assholes, and sent so many others into fits of spittle-flecked rage, that there's no way I don't get to sum up my favorite reactions in a post-election edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"When the takers are able to outvote the makers, you are a nation in steep decline. And in this case, it's one thing to talk about the redistribution of wealth, but we are redistributing from the future to the present! We are borrowing money yet to be earned from generations yet to be born in order to bribe people with the Obama phones. - Mark Steyn, addressing either a Steve Doocy bobblehead or the actual Steve Doocy on Fox and Friends. I couldn't tell the difference at YouTube resolution.

You know, in 2011, I borrowed money yet to be earned. It's called taking out a loan. It's a thing that happens a lot. And yes, American borrowing can be across generations, because the country actually spans multiple generations. That's how loans work.

But none of this matters, because Mark Steyn said "Obama phones", which either means he thinks Obama phones are a real thing, in which case he's a moron, or he thinks people think Obama phones are a real thing, in which case he's a manipulative little weasel-fucker. Either way, it means you can safely discount anything he has ever said or ever will say, including his junior high level division of people into "takers" and "makers". But you probably already knew that about him.

"I think the term for a lot of things over the next four years, civil disobedience is going to come into play." - Family Research Council Senior Vice President Tom McClasky, explaining how the religious right is going to have to deal with gay marriage now that people are voting for it.

DO IT.

Come on. I never got my Tricorner Revolution. Give me this. I'll even ignore the fact that you can't actually civilly disobey a law that allows gay marriage. Doesn't matter. That thing you think civil disobedience means? Do that. Please. Take a page from the radical pro-life movement, which should be easy, since you're all the same assholes.

Get your Adam and Steve signs and your Homosexuality Is A Sin signs and print big pictures of, I don't know, freshly-fucked assholes, I guess? Take your signs and block access to county clerks and justices of the peace and reception halls. See where that gets you. You'll be slightly more popular than Fred Phelps in a matter of weeks. You'll be the modern day equivalent of a Klan march. I anxiously await your next move.

"The president was committed; elected on the basis that he was not Romney and Romney was a poopy head and you should vote against Romney and he won by two points, But he didn't make the case that we should have higher taxes and higher spending, he kind of sounded like the opposite." - Noted doodyhead Grover Norquist.

Obama didn't win because he called Mitt Romney a poopy-head. He didn't win, even, by using the more technically accurate term "shithead". He won because when he called Mitt Romney a shithead, people believed him, and when Romney called Obama a foreign socialist, a few million fewer people believed Mitt. Possibly because Mitt was such a shithead.

And he didn't have to make the case that we should have higher taxes and higher spending. That was the mantle you shitheads tried to hang on him. He made no secret of wanting to end the Bush tax cuts, but made no particular effort to get rid of them. He didn't actually raise taxes, even though he did occasionally mention that we should. But if people didn't hear the message that voting for Obama meant taxing and spending, then right-wing SuperPACS wasted even more money than I thought they did.

Which means clearly, rich people have a lot of money to throw away. Might as well take it and give poor people basic communications service with it.