Once You Apocalypse, You Can't Astopalypse

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Memo to various and sundry: IT'S SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I'm assuming you're reading this quietly as part of your normal daily routine, and not dodging balls of fire, winged serpents, or whatever the hell the fake Mayan apocalypse today was supposed to actually do. Anyone know what the people who didn't realize it was just a calendar running out of pages thought was gonna happen? No? Me neither.

The point is, it's stupid to make important decisions based on the mad ravings of an ancient culture. On a related note, Chuck Hagel, the Republican that Obama inexplicably picked as Secretary of Defense, now faces confirmation trouble from Republicans because he's allegedly soft on Israel.

And you can't be soft on Israel, because if you're soft on Israel, Israel might collapse, and if Israel collapses, it can't play it's role in the REAL apocalypse, the Christian End Times. And that's why Republicans don't want Chuck Hagel at Defense. I'd almost prefer the Mayans.

Speaking of things that make me long for the end times, if the fiscal cliff negotiation fiasco doesn't take the last shreds of misplaced faith you had in American democracy and light them on fire, I don't know what would.

The Democrats, led by Obama, "begrudgingly" embraced something called "chained CPI", which would take the Social Security cost of living increase and make it increase less than the cost of living, cutting benefits to seniors, which as we all know is a core Democratic principle going all the way back to FUCKING NEVER.

And the only reason the Democrats didn't get everything Newt Gingrich could want in terms of entitlement "reform" is because House Republicans are revolting. Captain Orange's "Plan B", which was a permanent extension of the Bush tax cuts for non-millionaires plus a bunch of stealth-shitting on the poorest of the poor, wasn't good enough for the Teabag Nation that still holds sway in the House.

Or, to put it another way, all any of them want to do are awful things, and none of them are capable of getting those awful things done. And I'm not comfortable relying on rank incompetence to keep us safe from rank stupidity.

And finally, on a completely unrelated note, a shout-out to the worst Baldwin of all the Baldwins, Stephen Baldwin, who loves Jesus and hates liberals and hates taxes. And unlike so many outspoken types, he's putting his not money where his mouth is.

According to New York State, Stephen Baldwin hasn't paid taxes in three years, and owes over a third of a million dollars in back taxes and penalties. All this, by the way, since his 2009 bankruptcy. Yet another high water mark for the party of fiscal responsibility!

But maybe I'm being too harsh on Baldwin just because he's a fucktard. Maybe he knows it's tough for a rich man to get into heaven. And maybe he spent all his tax money on elaborate camel liquification equipment and oversized needles with huge eyes. In any case, it could, indeed, have happened to a nicer guy.