The Warmup

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Memo to John Stossel, Scott DesJarlais, and Suzanne Venker: YOU ARE MY WARMUP.

So when I did my hosting fundraising drive, I said that for every $20 over the goal, I'd write a bonus Saturday edition of Idiots Say the Damndest Things. As of now, that means I'll be writing EIGHTEEN bonus columns this year. I wasn't planning to start this weekend, but if I do one this Saturday and one next Saturday, I can do them every three weeks from then on. So I need to practice. To warm up. Let's dive to the bottom of the pile and do this week's regular edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"They do not. They have an obligation to get out of the way so you can rebuild if you want and provide roads and infrastructure. [O'REILLY: Who is going to do that though?] Free people who choose to do that. - John Stossel, arguing with Bill O'Reilly that the government should do essentially nothing to help citizens recover from natural disasters.

John Stossel gives libertarians a bad name. The only thing keeping John Stossel from being an anarchist is that he needs the government to shoot people who try to take his stuff. Most libertarians are funny little shits who rant about taxation being theft while you laugh in their faces.

Stossel, on the other hand, is an evil little psychopath. This "survival of the freest" in the aftermath of the hurricane is just one of many examples. He also supported price gouging on gas in the wake of Sandy. Oh, and he collected his payout from the federal flood insurance program he thinks shouldn't exist so that he can be free enough to pay to repair his house on his own. Awful, awful person.

"I am human. I don't think I ever put myself out there to be somebody that was perfect. I put myself out there as somebody who wanted to serve the public." - Our old friend Scott DesJarlais, explaining why he wasn't going to resign.

You remember Scott, right? The rabid pro-life teabagger congressman from the Dumbest State in the Union who won re-election despite revelations that he fucked a patient and urged her to get an abortion when she told him he knocked her up?

Well, after the election, his 2000 divorce went public in a big way, and it was revealed that he and his wife terminated pregnancies on not one, but two separate occasions. Which I'm fine with in isolation - it's a legal medical procedure that allows couples to control their reproduction.

But you don't get to avail yourself of that legal medical procedure twice, then devote a large chunk of your political career to making sure other people can't. It's not just hypocritical, it's dickishly hypocritical. It takes the Republican credo, "Fuck You, I Got Mine" to a whole new level. But he's still in office, and will probably be re-elected in 2014, because gerrymandering and fucking Tennessee.

"Contrary to what feminists like Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men, say, the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them." - self-described social critic Suzanne Venker, writing for the Fox News website.

Tough. Shit.

Wah, wah, poor men just want to take care of women, and those mean women won't let them because of their stupid feminist notions of having their own desires and dreams and ideas. Here's my message to those men. GROW A PAIR AND COPE.

You don't want to compete with women? Fine. You stay home, strap a couple of formula bottles to your manboobs, and do the laundry and suckle the younguns. No competition required! If that's not providing for your family, I don't know what is.

Modern women don't care what you think your DNA wants. Smart men don't give a shit either. Every second of every day we employ tools and items and devices to overcome, override, and bypass our biological instincts, but this one is somehow inviolate? Suck it up, babies. Change, get out of the way, or die the fuck off.