Twits, Lists, and Tits

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Memo to SouthingtonSOS, Big Hollywood, and Gameloft: YOU ARE DUMB.

First things first. Remember to tune in tomorrow for a bonus Idiots Say the Damndest Things. I've been starring quotes like a madman making sure I'm well-stocked for the foreseeable future. And speaking of well-stocked, it's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

What's STMF for if not updates on stories from earlier in the week? Yes, it seems like the Great Connecticut Not A Book Burning Because The Books Are Games And The Fire Is A Hammer is off. Reading between the lines of a story on GamePolitics, everyone laughed at them so they're running away and declaring victory. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We succeeded in our program. Our mission was to create strong awareness in Southington for parents and families and citizens and children. And we accomplished that. Our other objective was to promote discussion of violent video games and media with children and with the families at the home. And we've accomplished that in spades. So we deemed it became unnecessary to have the physical return on Saturday of violent games. Also because it would create an unnecessary amount of logistical details for us." - SouthingtonSOS spokesman Dick Fortunato, whose name I really should have seen before deciding to devote only part of the column to him. DICK FORTUNATO!

"We got people talking" is the modern last refuge of the incompetent. And you know they're incompetent because because they admitted they couldn't actually pull off their buyback program, possibly because they were offering $25 in gift certificates for the games, which is a hell of a lot better deal than Gamestop would give for four year old copies of Tom Clancy games.

Also, "deemed it became"? Nobody shot up Dick Fortunato's school the day they taught grammar, so what's his excuse? Too many long hours as Connecticut's most dashing riverboat gambler / male prostitute? DICK FORTUNATO!

Big Hollywood put out a list of the top five conservative films of 2012, which I didn't get to in 2012 because it was Big Hollywood's top five conservative films of 2012, so who gives a shit? But it's Friday.

"Atlas Shrugged: Part II" made the list, which pleases me greatly, because it ideally means that some of these people sat through Atlas Shrugged: Part II trying to pretend it wasn't awful because it was bringing Ayn Rand's Objectivist paradise to life, even though said paradise looked like a SyFy original movie shot in an abandoned office park. Oh, how they must have suffered.

The Red Dawn remake was there, natch. Lockout, because there was a quip about high taxes in it, even though the plot of the movie was how a corporate-run for-profit space prison ended up being a huge disaster. At least, I'm pretty sure it was, from my vague memory of watching it on Instant Streaming when I was home sick. And The Expendables 2, because it was full of old white men with guns pretending to be heroes, making it a metaphor for the entire right-wing blogosphere.

And then there was The Dark Knight Rises, because they need one successful movie on the list and they can pretend Bane is the President of the Occupy movement or something. And Bruce Wayne is rich so he's a Republican. Anyway, the point is, if BH were any more predictably sad, they'd be adorable.

And finally, there was a report near the end of 2012 that mobile game company Gameloft had topless women at its Christmas party, thereby reinforcing views of gender imbalance and misogyny in the games industry. But I'm not buying it.

Oh, I'm buying the misogyny in the games industry. A lot of nerd dudes hate women in a creepy, disgusting way. But for Gameloft to have had topless women at it's party this year, Activision, Ubisoft, and Electronic Arts would've all had to have totally naked women at THEIR Christmas parties last year.