With A Moat Full Of Kool-Aid

« January 2013 »

Memo to potential Citadel residents: GO FOR IT.

I admit, I was somewhat disappointed to see that the first The Citadel of my lifetime wouldn't be a giant space station full of intermingling alien races that would, by the third game, turn into a wildly improbable Macguffin and setting for an ultimately underwhelming showdown with a Starchild. But the one we're allegedly getting is ALMOST AS GOOD.

Should I describe it? Or let the people behind it describe it? I can be all clever and snarky about it, but the text itself is hilarious in its own sad way. Let's be originalists, at least here at the start. ACTUAL CITADEL TIME!

"The Citadel is evolving as a planned community where residents are bound together by: Patriotism; Pride in American Exceptionalism; Our proud history of Liberty as defined by our Founding Fathers, and Physical preparedness to survive and prevail in the face of natural catastrophes — such as Hurricanes Sandy or Katrina — or man-made catastrophes such as a power grid failure or economic collapse."

Finally. The biggest problem with Republican gerrymandering isn't that it creates safe House districts for crazy Republicans, it's that they do it by drawing the districts with crazy squiggly lines, not getting all the crazy Republicans to live together geographically, so that we know where they are and can point and laugh at them marching around in their weird hybrid of Atlas Shrugged, Animal Farm, and Lord of the Flies.

But The Citadel? An armed camp of self-proclaimed individuals, choosing to live together so that they can survive natural catastrophes, by which we all know they mean "race war once the whites are the minority"? Sign me up for that. Well, not the actual community, but sign me up for the feeds from the closed circuit cameras I'm sure they'll have. Season pass that shit. It will be comedy gold. Almost as funny as this:

"The Citadel is not profit-driven. The Citadel is Liberty-driven: specifically Thomas Jefferson's Rightful Liberty. Marxists, Socialists, Liberals and Establishment Republicans will likely find that life in our community is incompatible with their existing ideology and preferred lifestyles."

Couple of things here. First, by modern political definition, "not profit-driven", "Marxist", and "Socialist" are all synonyms, so good luck with that. Second, they don't even want Establishment Republicans, which means one thing, and one thing only. We've found Ron Paul's post-Congress retirement plans.

I mean, a bunch of libertarians in Idaho? If Ron Paul isn't going to be wearing long robes, with attendants carrying his gold standard aloft as the philosopher-king of The Citadel, you can bet there'll be a statue of him doing it. You'll probably be exiled if you ever refer to him as anything other than "Dr. Paul", cast into the wilderness. No, I'm not going to read the "Citadel Patriot Agreement" to be sure. But I did find this awesome question on the application form:

"Q6: Are you now, or have you ever been a member of, or associated with any racist group or subversive association that espouses the violent overthrow of these United States or any individual State?"

They then provide a text box for you to elaborate, which seems to make Question 7, "Why do you want to become part of the Citadel Community?" entirely redundant. I don't know if they're filtering for or against racist subversives, but if anyone would have to, it's a group planning an armed libertarian compound full of poured-concrete bunker-houses in the middle of the Idaho mountains.

So fly, my pretties! Fly to Idaho, and see how things go when all the fake plumbers, non-practicing dentists, and self-accredited ophthalmologists get together and realize that apart from picking off tin cans with a Bushmaster, quoting from The Fountainhead, and not paying taxes, nobody there has any actual useful skills. Let's see how quickly they devolve into cannibalism once the satellite TV goes out, nobody can watch Fox News, and the nearest Home Depot is a two-hour drive away.