My Ideal Candidate

« January 2013 »

Memo to Keith Ablow: GO FOR IT.

Assuming John Kerry gets confirmed as Secretary of State, which is no sure thing given Harry Reid's pussing out on filibuster reform again and Susan Rice proved you can be disqualified for a job because Republicans made shit up about you, but if he is, there will be a Massachusetts Senate vacancy, and Republicans are lining up to run for it.

Scott Brown, fresh off not being elected to the Senate by his constituents shortly after being elected to the Senate by his constituents, wants to break the tie. But me, I hope Fox News psycho analyst Keith Ablow follows up on his contemplations and tries for the slot. Because that would be FUCKING HILARIOUS.

Ablow is, as has been demonstrated here before, completely fucking certifiable. If he runs, he'd probably have to answer questions about some of the crazy-ass things he's said, like, oh, this gem:

"I believe that President Obama is not ignorant of these facts, but willfully using the tragedies in Newtown, Aurora and Tucson to achieve gun control for other reasons than preventing loss of life (reasons which seem to include an unwavering, deep psychological desire to disempower individuals and empower a central authority—'the state'."

I'm not sure I'd put Michael Ian Black in charge of things either, but I'd choose him and the rest of The State long before I'd put Ablow in charge. I like how he says "deep psychological" with all the pretend authority bestowed upon him as Fox's resident headshrunk. Even though none of the things he's saying are, you know. Things.

"Number one, the autonomy of others did him no favors as a kid, when he was abandoned again and again by people who were — quote — unquote — responsible and supposed to do the right thing, like parents. So his belief, ‘You know what? What good is individual autonomy in decision making? What good did it do me? The collective is what needs to be empowered, and all the better if I’m the center of that collective and the most powerful person in it.’” - Ablow, continuing to try to explain that when it comes to guns, Obama's the crazy one.

I want to see Ablow cranking out non-stop pseudo-psychological analyses of his Senate opponent. I want him to use awesomely stupid phrases like "the most powerful person in the collective" during a debate. But most importantly, I want his Senate opponent, whoever that may be, to send gay and transgender staffers to every public Ablow event so that Ablow will LOSE HIS SHIT.

Because Ablow's queer panic is legendary. I mean, here's how he responded to a women who asked about her sister-in-law letting her son play with dolls and her daughter playing with action figures on a segment called "Normal Or Nuts?"

Oh, I should also mention that Fox News' resident psychiatrist has a regular segment called "Normal Or Nuts?" I can only assume the board that certified Ablow was a pressure-treated 2x4 to the skull.

"I would say to this woman, your sister-in-law is — drum roll — nuts. I am fairly well known for not loving gender bending. I don’t think it helps anybody. I don’t think it’s so bad that boys be boys. What’s so bad about kids being able to be masculine and feminine? Do we have to wrench this into some non-genderness? This woman is nuts."

Keith Ablow is "fairly well known for not loving gender bending" in much the same way that Jeffrey Dahmer is "fairly well known for his commitment to sustainable meat". True, but understates the severity by just a tad.

Boys playing with girl dolls is not "wrenching into non-genderness". And the only people who think it is are insecure, probably closeted whack-jobs who think their penis will fall off if they don't assert their maleness at every conceivable point in their lives. In other words, the ideal Senate candidate for ensuring the Republican Party continues its chronic image problem well into 2014. Run, Keith! Run like they're coming for your balls!