Schools, Guns, and Punching

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Memo to vouchers, armed school guards, and Steven Crowder: YOU ARE DUMB.

Just because I couldn't write for Friday doesn't mean this spring's fundamental purpose of Friday becomes obviated. So, until someone figures out how to import Google Reader starred items into NetVibes, or NetVibes starred items into TinyTinyRSS, or vice versa, depending on how testing goes, I will still need SPASTIC RESEARCH-CLEARING MONKEY FRIMONDAY.

Hey, remember those shitty education vouchers that Bobby Jindal put in place in Louisiana, allowing state and federal education money to flow to insane religious schools that teach creationism and other stuff almost as bad? Well, guess what.

Zach Kopplin, a young, idealistic, as-yet-unjaded opponent of creationism, has documented 310 different schools in nine states and D.C. that publicly admit to both taking public voucher money and teaching creationism in their curricula, including field trips to the Creation Museum and use of the Answers in Genesis website.

In other words, having been repeatedly beaten back from their attempts to bring religion into publicly-funded education, the young-earthers have instead decided to use friendly communities and bring the public funding into the religious education. It almost borders on the clever. It's like they've decided to use the only scrap of brain power they have to enable the rest of the soggy paper towels they try to think with, instead of applying those fractional brains to understanding science.

And speaking of enabling, Republicans love of public vouchers for private education has a number of motives, including blind hatred of public education in general, but this outcome is part of it, which is why it's always a bad idea to assume the publicly stated benign policy goals of certain groups are well-meaning disagreements. Sometimes it's just blatant theft and Constitutional end-runs.


And now, it's your Latest Brilliant Idea From The NRA Update! Remember how all we'd need to do to stop school shootings is to make sure that every school had either a janitor or a Joe Arpaio disciple walking around with a pistol? About that...

In Michigan, a retired firearms safety instructor hired as an armed guard left his gun "unattended" in a school bathroom. Did he hang it on the urinal while he dropped a deuce? Set it on a shelf while he washed his hands? Details were not provided, beyond the gun being "unloaded", which would seem to defeat the ridiculous purpose of having it there in the first place, and unattended "for a few moments", which sounds to me like code for the guard forgetting it and running back in to get it, but that's just me.

Still, could be worse. Imagine what could have happened if the gun was loaded. You know, like the one in Highland, N.Y., near Albany. The one that went off accidentally. How? We don't know. All we know is that they had a new armed guard, the guard was armed with a gun, and the gun went off in a hallway. And luckily, nobody was hurt.

So far, that's potentially tragic incidents incurred at two, potentially tragic incidents prevented at zero.


And finally, a moment of silence, if you will, for Steven Crowder's pity party. You may recall, back in mid-December of last year, feeling a faint shiver of schadenfreude pass through you, like someone skipping over Pol Pot's grave. That was because Steven Crowder, Fox News contributor and alleged uberconservative comedian, got decked right in his mush during a labor protest in Michigan.

You may even have felt morally ambiguous about the incident, weighing your general moral opposition to physical assault against Crowder's undeniable punchability. Well, weep no more! County prosecutors have determined, after a review of the footage that Crowder failed to show everyone, that Crowder was clearly decked in self-defense.

Crowder has, of course, not responded publicly to this news, because even he knows the only thing he could say would be to admit to being a tough talking, lying-ass wuss of the highest order, and he figured we already knew that.