Let The Eagle Eggs Soar

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Memo to Shadrack McGill, Matt Moore, and Marco Rubio: YOU ARE DUMB.

Happy Bonus Column Day! Today, I bring you tales of embryo fetishists. Tales of ex-ex-gays. And tales of the rarest unicorn of them all, the compassionate conservative. What do these things have in common? They're all IDIOTS, and they all SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS (BONUS EDITION)!

"Did you know you can be charged up to $250,000 for destroying an eagle egg, but you can destroy babies in the womb?” - Alabama State Sen. Shadrack McGill, defending his state's proposed fetal personhood bill.

That's because eagles are endangered, dumbass. You don't get fined a quarter million for destroying a chicken egg, and that's an egg too. There are plenty of expendable people, for example, taking up space in the Alabama Senate. Let's face it. Not -every- life is precious.

McGill also bases his belief on fetal personhood on the psalm that says God knew us before he placed us in our mother's womb, but then goes on to say that life begins at conception. But if God knew us before conception, then life must begin BEFORE conception, which means testicles are also people, which explains how so many of them can become Alabama lawmakers.

"I have sold my computer and have had someone put a lock on my phone where I cannot download apps or access the Internet through a non-filtered browser. Ultimately, this isn't the solution. My heart being captured by the grace of God and brought into humble obedience is the solution. But not taking precautions is dumb, so these are the precautions I have taken." - "Ex-gay" Christian blogger Matt Mason, just taking some basic precautions.

The "ex-gay" movement is a fucking travesty, and ultimately, Matt Mason is a tragic victim of it. And I sympathize with him.

On the other hand, he had to do all those things because, well, people found him posting his profile on gay "dating" site Grindr, and Moore doesn't just live the ex-gay lifestyle, he promotes it, so HA HA HA HA HA HA.

And he's right. Locking his phone isn't the solution. Neither is Grindr. But neither is humble obedience to an even faker version of a fake god. The solution is allowing himself to love and be loved according to who he's attracted to, so that he doesn't have to ask a godly friend's permission before he can download Angry Birds.

"I support people making more than $9 an hour. I want people to make as much as they can. I don't think a minimum wage law works. I want people to make a lot more than $9. Nine dollars is not enough. The problem is that you can't do that by mandating it in the minimum wage laws. Minimum wage laws have never worked in terms of helping the middle class attain more prosperity." - Marco Rubio, proving that compassionate conservatism is a giant pile of shit.

I'm sorry, how the hell does Marco Rubio think people are going to make nine dollars an hour, or more, without mandating it? Are people in countries like China and Mexico, where the minimum wage, assuming one exists, is much less than $9 an hour, rich? No, they are not. The reason Republicans don't like minimum wage laws is that companies don't like paying people the minimum wage. They would rather pay less than that.

And you can actually have people make nine dollars an hour by mandating it. That's how minimum wage laws work, actually. You set it, and then people have to pay it, so they pay it.

And by the way, the minimum wage laws aren't designed to help the middle class attain more prosperity. If you're middle class, you're already making more than the minimum wage. Minimum wage laws are designed to help the working poor actually survive on their salaries. Actually pay for their food and their clothing and their shelter and lead lives of basic dignity while working a normal 40-hour week. And yes, you can mandate that. We have for years. And you know that. So stop pretending you want people to do better while undermining the system that makes that possible.