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Memo to Tennessee, Freedomworks, and Robin Ficker: YOU ARE DUMB.

There's six inches of snow on the ground, so that means I have four more months until Google Reader goes away, right? That's how weather works, isn't it? No? Well, then, we'd better get fucking cranking, shouldn't we? SPASTIC TOPIC READERGEDDON FRIDAY!

In the "damning with faint praise" department, Tennessee's state legislature recently abandoned not one, but two rabidly homophobic bills because of lack of public support. At this rate, with this much progress, I should be able to stop making fun of Tennessee sometime around the year 2570.

The first bill was the controversial "don't say gay" bill, which would not only prohibit teachers from acknowledging the existence of homosexuality, but would, as we've previously discussed, require teachers to notify the parents of any student who comes out to them. Tennessee held onto this one for MONTHS before it finally died a well-deserved legislative death.

The other bill, sponsored by Mark Pody, was incredibly spiteful and mean-spirited, even for a Tennessee state legislator. Aimed specifically at Vanderbilt College, the bill would yank the campus police funding of any school whose non-discrimination policy protected LGBT people. Sound awful? It is. Not as bad as Pody's bill from last year, that would have pulled ALL funding from colleges with gay-friendly policies. That had to be vetoed by Tennessee's governor, BECAUSE TENNESSEE.


Hey, remember Freedomworks? Dick Armey's fake grassroots Tea Party organization that booted Armey out in that weird not-quite-armed not-quite-coup last year? Well, around the same time, their incredible streak of bad decisions also included filming a promotional video that featured a panda bear going down on Hillary Clinton.

When the news came out last month, it was revealed that two female Freedomworks interns, in a panda and Hillary costume respectively, helped them film the video, officially making "Freedomworks Intern" the worst job in America. At least porn stars actually get paid with more than free coffee from the breakroom.

The point is, the Tea Party aren't just a bunch of poorly-dressed rednecks yelling incoherently at anything vaguely Democrat. Some of them clean up nice and get paid handsomely to come up with vaguely racist (presumably the panda represents China), sexist, and idiotic ways to, well, yell incoherently at anything vaguely Democrat.


Now, I'm rabidly opposed to mindless "zero tolerance" policies in public schools that criminalize minor infractions and suspend and expel students for the faintest hint of alleged violent tendencies.

And I am rabidly opposed to a recent case in Maryland in which a seven year old was suspended for chewing a gun shape out of a Pop-Tart and waving it around.

But I cannot help but also be rabidly opposed to the tactic employed by the kid's lawyer. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

""This kid was just as imaginative and is just as adventurous as Steve Jobs was at the age of 7." - Attorney Robin Ficker.

Um, no. About the only thing Steve Jobs has in common with eating Pop-Tarts is eventual damage to the pancreas. Now, if the kid spent years nibbling away at the Pop-Tart, gradually reducing the frostingless area, or "Pop-Tart bezel", if you will, while also giving the Pop-Tart an aluminum back and sprinkles shaped like Angry Birds, I could see the comparison. But he didn't. He was just playing. That doesn't make him Steve Jobs, but it doesn't make him a criminal, either.