Friends Without Benefits

« April 2013 »

Memo to Jennifer Morse, Timothy Dolan, and Steve King: I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Remember last week's ISTDT? Around the theme of "three times is enemy action"? Well, we've got something similar this week, a new talking point making its way through the anti-gay forces of assholery. Let's get right into it. IDIOTS SOMETIMES COORDINATE TO SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It doesn’t even have to be a sexual relationship… It’s nothing but a government registry of friendships. Now why would we need a government registry of friendships? We don’t! We don’t need that. No one needs that." - Jennifer Morse, NOM, on gay marriage.

This is, of course, the Chuck and Larry Argument. Since any two dudes or chicks could just up and get married without loving each other or fucking, there's no way for the government to know that these people are more than just friends.

This isn't a problem with men and women, thanks to, of course, the Harry and Sally Argument. Any two opposite-gender friends who get married for the benefits will, thanks to the biological imperative, end up fucking and raising a happy quiverfull famiily. That's just SCIENCE, people. We only have to worry about it with gay friends.

"And God loves you. And you are made in God’s image and likeness. And – and we – we want your happiness. But – and you’re entitled to friendship. But we also know that God has told us that the way to happiness, that – especially when it comes to sexual love – that is intended only for a man and woman in marriage, where children can come about naturally." - Cardinal Timothy Dolan, recounting the most awkward hypothetical conversation in history, between him and a real, live, non-priestly, open gay person.

There's that word again. Friendship. Gay people are entitled to their cute little friend relationships with their friends. BFF's, even. But no fucking unless it's unprotected matrimonial penis-vagina! And no legal representation of your fucking either!

Dolan went on to add “We gotta do better to see that our defense of marriage is not reduced to an attack on gay people.", and the best part is, I'm sure he thinks admitting that gay people are "entitled to friendship" helps with that. It'd be adorable if he didn't have the ear of two thirds of the American government.

"You do not need a license to begin a new friendship, start shopping at a new grocery store or pharmacy, or even begin a new dating relationship. Likewise, one does not need a court order to terminate any of those relationships. This fact indicates that there is something unique about marriage that necessitates government involvement." - America's Stupidest Congresscritter, Steve King.

Steve King is right! Well, he's not right about the part where he assumes that special thing is penis-vagina-baby action. And he's not right when he picks up on the meme of equating gay relationships with a "friendship", but he is right that there's something unique about marriage that necessitates government involvement.

Or, more accurately, it's the government involvement that makes marriage unique. It's the array of instant legal and contractual benefits, and the recognition thereof, that makes civil marriage useful. And if it's useful, then it should be equal. And the usefulness exists whether any couple has children, or even has penis-vagina sex. If, say, the man and the woman are just, you know. Friends. With benefits.