A Collection Of Surprisingly High-Functioning Asses

« April 2013 »

Memo to Wall Street, California Jingoists, and Scott Brown: YOU ARE DUMB.

Right! Nine weeks of Google Reader left, and 65 starred items remain in the research queue. I think it's safe to deal with one topical thing today, as long as I get that other number down to 63. So let's call today MOSTLY SPASTIC READERGEDDON MONKEY FRIDAY!

As you may have heard, the Dow Jones average plunged 150 points for five minutes this week in a "flash crash" caused by the AP Twitter account being hacked and a fake story being posted there about the White House being bombed. The "good news", if you can call it that, was that it was the result of automatic trading, not human judgment.

If there were any doubt left in your mind that the global financial system were morally bankrupt, let's unpack what this means.

This means that large stock traders have built robots that scour the Internet for news of tragedies so that these traders can immediately profit off those tragedies. That's all these robots do. Look for key words that indicate something horrible has happened, and immediately act to protect the vast financial interests of people who might otherwise be adversely affected by tragedy - because everyone on Wall Street's first instinct when bad news hits is to sell off their investments because they're all such rational actors.

This is what happens when you create an environment in which sociopaths thrive.

Apparently, I still need to explain why defenders of Camarillo High School students are/were wrong. Back in February, five students got suspended for defying administration orders and chanting "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" at a basketball game where the opposing team were mostly Latinos. American Latinos. Also from California.

To anyone who doesn't understand why this is offensive, please, just watch pro wrestling ONCE. The U.S.A. chant exists for one purpose, and one purpose only. To root for one side, America, against the other side, presumed to be foreign. Whether the foreigners are Chinese gymnasts, an Iranian-American pretending to be an evil sheik, or just brown people from the next town over, the intent has ALWAYS been about the U.S. Vs. Them, and not about patriotism, or even jingoism. If you don't get that, it's because you're a xenophobic jingoist and you should probably look into doing something to fix that.

And finally, in one of those things that everyone cared about for three hours one day three months ago but I never got around to, Scott Brown, former Massachusetts senator, nude model, truck driver, and potential future New Hampshire carpetbagger, blamed the following tweet on his ass:"


Which seems odd, but it's just what you get when your left hand is one key to the left of home row, your right hand is correct, and you try to type "whatever". And then somehow put a "b" in front of it. People said it was because Brown was drunk, and he responded by saying he "pocket-tweeted" - put the phone in his pocket and got a bunch of completely random letters from his butt.

This is why Scott Brown shouldn't hold public office. Not because he can't spell "whatever". Not because he might have tweeted while drunk. Not even because he thinks it's a good idea to tweet the single word "whatever". No, it's that when confronted with a slightly embarrassing public incident, his natural instinct is to come up with a lie that requires his ass to be a surprisingly good touch typist, at least relative to other gluteus maximi. Maybe his ass should run for Congress in a third state.