Tiny Organs

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Memo to Keith Ablow, Mary Sue McClurkin, and Chuck Grassley: YOU ARE DUMB.

Time for another round of oldies but goodies, stretching all the way back to the State of the Union. Some of these issues have since resolved themselves, but I don't think that means we have to pretend that, during the process, BONUS IDIOTS SAID BONUS DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Welcome to the psychological projection of an abandoned boy's vision of how much you can rely on other individuals and on yourself. The less, the better. When your mother and father take off on you as a kid, when your white grandmother seems to fear people of color, you probably figure putting any trust in individuals is crazy." - Fox News "psychologist" and professional gay panicker and panickee Keith Ablow, analyzing the State of the Union.

I love Keith Ablow so much that it's a shame he's helping make America a dumber place. In my utopian society, Ablow would have a half hour weekly comedy show, and he'd be the only guy who didn't realize it was a comedy.

Here, Ablow posits that because Obama couldn't rely on others growing up, he now believes, pathologically, that everyone should rely on others for everything and therefore BIG GOVERNMENT IS CRAZY. That's the kind of genius that belongs safely behind glass, where it can't hurt anyone.

"When a physician removes a child from a woman, that is the largest organ in a body. That’s a big thing. That’s a big surgery. You don’t have any other organs in your body that are bigger than that.” - Alabama state representative Mary Sue McClurkin, explaining why she was fighting for one of those "have the Surgeon General present at all abortion clinics 24/7" laws the forced-birth movement's so fond of these days.

See, a baby's a person, so you can't take it out, but it's an organ, which means if you do take it out you should have to have a super-duper expert do it at all times. That thing about the largest organ being the skin is just propaganda from perverted naked people.

Of course, at the size McClurkin's talking about, that's a full-term baby, and those have been removed from human bodies without experts present for the entirety of human history. And when abortions actually happen, what's being removed isn't a child, isn't an organ, and isn't particularly large, either. But that's not important. What's important is keeping abortion legal while preventing anyone from actually having one ever.

"If you have a jury, the jury is supposed to be a reflection of society. Under the laws of our land, you've got to have a jury that is a reflection of society as a whole, and on an Indian reservation, it’s going to be made up of Indians, right? So the non-Indian doesn't get a fair trial." - Alleged senator and all-time Twitter champion Chuck Grassley, explaining his opposition to the Violence Against Women Act.

Oh, Chuck. You're so adorable. You don't want people to think you're in favor of women getting beaten, so you explain to everyone that you're just concerned about white dudes not being treated in a fair, just, and equitable manner by Native Americans, who you are one very slight phoneme lapse away from calling "Injuns".

Here's a question, Chuck. Whose fault is it, again, that a bunch of Native Americans aren't an accurate reflection of American society as a whole? How'd that happen? Oh, a systematic governmental policy of genocide? Well, then, maybe cut them a fucking break on the jury thing, asshole.