Bryan Fischer Thinks About Cock

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Memo to Pat Buchanan, Bryan Fischer, and Michele Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

Righto. Nothing fancy this week, just three of my "favorite" people saying stupid shit, although in one case, it's what's not said that's even more important. So let's get right to it. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"From these Census figures, white folks are losing interest in politics and voting. Yet, whites still constitute three-fourths of the electorate and nine in 10 Republican votes... Query: Is the way to increase the enthusiasm and turnout among this three-fourths of the electorate for the GOP to embrace amnesty and a path to citizenship for 12 million illegal foreign aliens?" - Pat Buchanan, longtime white supremacist and former MSNBC contributor.

Yes, how can the GOP go wrong with an attempt to "increase the enthusiasm" of white people by using code words to demonize minorities? Why didn't anyone think of this before? They could have used it for like three decades to get racist white people, particularly in the South, to turn out for Republican candidates!

Also, I'm not sure where he's getting that "3/4 of the electorate" number, since African-Americans had a higher turnout rate than good ol' whitey did in 2012, but his 9 out of 10 number's a bit, if you'll pardon the phrase, conservative, so let's give him both numbers out of the goodness of my heart. I can think of no better plan than for the GOP to embrace their inner Klansman (their inner Klansman being, of course, Pat Buchanan) and statistically eliminate themselves from contention by ceding the minority vote forever. DO IT.

"Alan, I am not going to talk about that. We're not going to talk about that... The focus here, Alan, is that everybody experiences sexual impulses that, if they acted on those impulses, it would destroy them. You've experienced them. I've experienced them. Every man, every woman has experienced certain sexual impulses that, if they acted on them, if they conducted themselves by yielding to those impulses, would destroy them. Ask Tiger Woods about that." - The planet's worst person, Bryan Fischer, making me forgive Alan Colmes.

See, Colmes asked Fischer if he'd ever had any gay impulses. And then Fischer doth protested way the fuck too much. And we all know what THAT means. Certainly not unprecedented, but to watch someone this awful splutter so badly trying not to talk about his repressed gay urges? Delicious.

This doesn't actually make up for the years Colmes spent being Fox News' ineffectual pet liberal punching bag, but this makes me so happy I'll let it slide. I look forward to picketing Bryan Fischer's gay wedding in Minnesota should the opportunity present itself.

"Our nation has seen judgment not once but twice on September 11. That’s why we’re going to have ‘9/11 Pray’ on that day. Is there anything better that we can do on that day rather than to humble ourselves and to pray to an almighty God?" - Batshit Bachmann, confusing me with theology.

I mean, we all know I'm not good with theology, but let me see if I can figure this out. We did something really bad in God's eyes in the general early-to-mid-2001 region, and so God sent his judgment in the form of three planes, killing a few thousand people and taking down two buildings devoted to the unfettered pursuit of capitalism. OK.

Then, I guess, we do nothing wrong for like eleven years. Re-electing Bush? Great. Electing Obama? Fine by God! Sure. But then we did something wrong in early to mid 2012. Nothing major, but something that pissed God off a little bit, so he had some dudes attack our embassy in Libya and shoot some people. You know. God's judgment.

Given this, I can think of about a million better things I could do on that day than to humble myself before such a capriciously incomprehensible being, but to Michele Bachmann, everybody is an incomprehensible being, so she sees things differently than I do.