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« May 2013 »

Memo to alleged "Low T" sufferers: HOPE IT FALLS OFF.

Making fun of diseases you think are fake because of ads you see on TV for drugs to treat them is a tricky business. Everyone had a good laugh about "restless leg syndrome" a few years back, but that's apparently a real thing and fairly unpleasant.

On the other hand, we have men. And their constant male insecurity about their dicks. Is it long enough? Is it wide enough? Is it hard enough? Is it hard enough half an hour later? They also worry about their hair, but they don't really worry about their hair. They worry about their hair as a proxy for their dicks. See also cars and the local sports franchise. What is a stadium if not a giant, collective dick that we have to all make sure is new and shiny and hard and never gets more than 20 years old?

So the industry that brought us Viagra has now* come up with "Low T". Feeling like you might not have the energy or the vigor you had in your youth? And by energy, we mean sex, and by vigor, we also mean sex, and more specifically, fucking? You might have Low T! Or you might just be middle-aged and busy. The point is, you need a gel!

These are the actual quiz questions Abbvie uses to convince you need AndroGel. Number one, lower libido. Number two, "lack of energy". Then decrease in strength or endurance, lost height, a decrease in the enjoyment of life, being sad or grumpy, less strong erections, being worse at sports, falling asleep after dinner, and a deterioration in your work performance.

In other words, out of ten items, three are literally about your penis, three are figuratively about your penis, two are metaphorically about your penis, one is an actual measurable medical thing, and one is "falling asleep after dinner", which is just blatant marketing to middle-aged dudes. Falling asleep after dinner is a privilege we've earned, not a fucking symptom.

The biggest problem with Androgel is that its most drastic side effects are reserved for the women and children in the insecure man's life. The directions for care and disposal of Androgel read like this shit is 80% plutonium. I won't go into detail, but basically, if you're not a middl-aged dude, you shouldn't touch it or touch anything that touches it, so who knows what all these newly high-T guys are supposed to do with their new, high-T dicks. I guess they'll just feel better about worshipping them.

We don't need a treatment for Low T. We need a treatment for Low B. Like many medical discoveries, I stumbled across a treatment for Low B by accident, reading about the one-named, Swedish medical pioneer, Hasse.

Hasse passed away recently after trying to fuck a hornet's nest. Turns out hornets like Swedish cock about as much as you'd expect, and stung Hasse 146 times, with more than a third of those stings pretty much where you'd expect them.

Clearly, Hasse suffered from Low B. He was 35. He clearly wasn't enjoying life as much as he used to. Probably fell asleep after dinner. So he began initial trials of an injection-based treatment for Low B. Initial trials were promising, despite some setbacks, and I'm sure Big Pharma can develop a hornet's nest with fewer total penis-stings, a lower fatality rate, and most importantly, an ad campaign that will convince millions of insecure dudes to stick their wangs in hornets' nests. And that's all I ask for.

*A dozen years ago, actually, but the marketing campaign is new.