Two For Me, One For You

« May 2013 »

Memo to Oklahoma, Oklahoma, and for balance, a Connecticut Democrat: YOU ARE DUMB.

I give Tennessee a lot of shit in this column, mostly because time and time again, they prove through their thoughts and actions and attempts at legislation that they fucking well deserve it. But I'd hate for you to get the idea that stupidity is a uniquely Tennesseean thing. After all, Oklahoma is also a place. And awful people can be found anywhere, even within the Democratic Party in the liberal Northeast. And not just Joe Lieberman. Is that enough of a theme for SPASTIC TOPIC READERGEDDON FRIDAY? I think it is.

So, first, we turn to the Oklahoma legislature's failures - specifically, a recent attempt to prevent science teachers from giving students bad grades if they turn in homework that says Jesus rode dinosaurs or that setting fire to dinosaurs doesn't warm the earth up. It's yet another creationist end-run. You may not be able to teach creationism, but hey, maybe you can keep kids from learning evolution!

" "A student has the freedom to write a paper that points out that highly complex life may not be explained by chance mutations," said bill sponsor Gus Blackwell, who did not then continue to agree with me by saying that students also have the freedom to FUCKING FAIL BIOLOGY. The bill died in the full Oklahoma House, presumably because it was Free Stale Pork Rind day in the House cafeteria and all the creationists in the OK house were furiously filling up garbage bags to take back to their offices.

If you think what Oklahomans don't pass is scary, imagine what they don't... don't pass. Yet. Still perfectly viable and capable of becoming the law of the state? A bill that negates Obamacare's mandate that private companies cover contraception. Not a huge shocker there, until you learn about the constituent who made the request for the legislation, and why he doesn't like birth control.

The man is cardiologist Dominic Pedulla, and if he's taking care of your heart, make sure you ask him if he thinks arteries are clogged by clumps of sin particles excreted by the tiny Satans that course through the circulatory system of the wicked, because he also thinks contraception takes away a lady's identity as a lady because her identity as a lady is to push out babies and contraception stops that. So Oklahoma's gonna try to pass a law to keep your essential breederness safe from the threat of insurance coverage, gals.

OK, I said I'd make fun of a Connecticut Democrat who wasn't Joe Lieberman. This might be a challenge. Let's hope someone really vile steps up to the plate, say, by implying his penis can cure a teenage girl of her crippling shyness.

What's that, Ernest Hewett, no longer deputy speaker of the Connecticut House as of March, because he got caught on a live mike saying "If you're bashful, I got a snake sitting under my desk right here" in response to a 17 year old girl? You'd like to fill the position? Well, by all means. What are your other qualifications?

Oh, a half-assed excuse saying you meant to say something about land in the Everglades? Yes, that'll do nicely. We'll need you to fill out some basic paperwork, but once that's done, you can start your new career - crawling into a hole, pulling it closed after you, and dying alone, gripping your feeble little garter snake in your hand.