A Lot Of Guano Left To Fall

« May 2013 »

Memo to Michelle Bachmann: HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY.

So yesterday brought the news that Minnesota's homegrown wingnut psycho, Michele "Batshit" "Crazy Eyes" Bachmann, would not be seeking a fifth term in Congress. Like all things, this is a mix of good and bad, in many ways more bad than good. Let's get the good out of the way first:

Bachmann will no longer be in Congress:

In her eight years in Congress, Bachmann did very little except stand around and say stupid shit. That said, being a member of Congress still lends a certain inexplicable cachet to the stupid shit you say, and the few things she actually was instrumental in, like the witch hunt against Muslims "infiltrating" Washington? Well, that bullshit now has one fewer ally and instigator.

And now, the bad.

She didn't lose: Bachmann said in her statement that she didn't retire because she thought she was gonna lose in 2014, but come on. The last election clearly scared the shit out of her. And Graves was running again. So she's retiring, which means she doesn't get discredited by being rejected by voters in a Republican district.

She may have saved her seat for Republicans: The Sixth has been willing to elect Bachmann four times, knowing everything we all know about her. It was only her level of crazy and bad publicity that gave Graves a shot in 2012. Give these assholes an unknown or nice-sounding Republican in 2014, they'll vote for 'em.

Congress doesn't need Bachmann: The House Republicans are full of crazy assholes willing to try to repeal Obamacare every three months, drive the country into default, and vote against anything Jesus tells them Obama supports. Bachmann was one of them, but she wasn't the only one. She wasn't even their linchpin. She was just loud and opportunistic. At best, she was a token woman to give cover to the party of legitimate rape.

Bachmann doesn't need Congress: This is the big one. Because this retirement doesn't mean we've heard the last of Ol' Batshit. Just like Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, and Newt Gingrich don't need political office anymore. If people stop listening to her for a few months, she can always get a high-profile candidacy or pundit gig, and the only difference from what she's doing now is that she doesn't have to show up for votes and voters can't fire her.

So yeah, let's be glad she's gone, but let's keep our gladness directly proportional to her goneness. Oh, and for what will surely not be the last time: ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I fully anticipate the mainstream liberal media to put a detrimental spin on my decision not to seek a fifth term. Since I was first elected to Congress many years ago, they always seem to attempt to find a dishonest way to disparage me. But I take being the focus of their attention and disparagement as a true compliment of my public service effectiveness."

Keep telling yourself that. Check with Dan Quayle and see how his badge of honor-scorn is holding up. You're the focus of their attention because you seek it, and you're the focus of their disparagement because you say crazy things like how the HPV vaccine will make you retarded. That's a type of effectiveness, but public service has nothing to do with it.

But that's OK. Once you're out of public service, in another 19 months or so, you can stop pretending. We can stop pretending. The only one who'll have to keep pretending is Marcus.