Everybody Wave To The Government!

« June 2013 »

Memo to the Obama administration, amateur food stamp investigators, and College Republicans: YOU ARE DUMB.

Greetings to my faithful readers, and since I'm writing this on a Verizon iPad, all my fans at the NSA. This first one goes out to you. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

I'll probably be talking about this more in the future, but the NSA thing? Where they used FISA and the Patriot Act to get all the information on everyone who called anyone on Verizon for months? Ordered by the allegedly non-evil Obama administration in the name of the War on Terror? That's simultaneously a huge fucking deal and a wet fart.

It's a huge fucking deal because it's exactly the kind of surveillance state overreach that we all said the Patriot Act would lead to. We've all been spied on because some of us might be terrorists, in blatant violation of the Constitutional protections against illegal search and seizure.

And, of course, it's a wet fart, because nobody will give a fuck and nothing will change. The one time Obama is actually shredding the Constitution the way his opponents claim he is, and his opponents won't do shit because it's fighting Terrah, and his supporters won't do shit because they're his supporters, and the public won't demand any changes because hey look Kardashian baby!

And the best part? We'll still celebrate our incredible freedoms because the people in charge keep insisting we have them. Really we do.

I mentioned this on Twitter, but a few recent stories about cuts to food stamps have once again reminded me how fucking sick I am of America's armchair detective squad. You know who I'm talking about. The people who are convinced that there is widespread food stamp fraud because of the people they see at the supermarket using them.

Here's a tip, assholes. You're not Shawn Spencer. You can't glance at a bag of chips, a fur coat, and an electronic benefits card and explain to everyone listening, while throwing in a few 80s band references, that this person clearly doesn't deserve public assistance. Because not only do you not know the actual circumstances of this person's life, you also don't know the rules for public assistance.

All you know is that a minority is ahead of you in line and is somehow ripping you off, right before you hand your purchase-tracking, data-collecting rewards card to the cashier and pay for your Kelloggs "made with real ingredients" Pop-Tarts using a credit card that charges 27% interest. Dumbfuck.

And on a lighter note, the College Republican National Committee released a 95-page report explaining how Republicans lost the youth vote. I know what you're thinking, but let me explain.

There were six title pages, two-inch margins, triple-spacing, 20-point Garamond Wide as the font, the same half-page chart was used at least ten times, eight of the pages are just beer-can stains and page numbers, and there are five pages of endnote references to Maxim articles.

The actual content, of course, restates the obvious and yet somehow manages to reach the wrong conclusions. You know, much like the College Republican motto: "I Got Drunk And Banged Her Best Friend, Bro, Why Would That Bitch Dump Me?"