Drill, Baby, Drill

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Memo to Pine Eagle Charter School, Harlem, and Bob Wilkins: YOU'RE NOT HELPING.

I get it. We've decided, collectively, that we're going to live in the age of shooting rampages. That's fine. We had the debate after Sandy Hook, we thought we'd try to do a little something about it, that didn't work, so it's over and we'll just all buy our kids Kevlar backpacks and hope we don't work with someone who pisses off a disturbed loner.

But if we're going to live with them anyway, or, at least, if all of us except for four to thirty of us are going to live with each of them, then let's just live with them. Let's have the shooting rampages and clean up the mess and not, say, create a bunch of fake shooting rampages for various misguided reasons so that more people have to go through the experience than has been made strictly necessary by the NRA. OK?

One of the most misguided reasons for a fake shooting has got to be the surprise safety drill. The way the surprise safety drill works is that fake shooters attack a real school with fake guns, and the only people who know it's fake are the administrators and instigators. The students and teachers think it's real, and react accordingly - mostly a bunch of perfectly understandable traumatized weeping and peeing themselves.

The only good thing about the surprise drill in Pine Eagle, Oregon, is that the kids weren't there. Just the teachers were surprised. And traumatized. Luckily, nobody was armed, so a good guy with a gun wasn't the only thing to murder a good guy with a fake gun pretending to be a bad guy with a real gun. Unluckily, the school decided it was a good idea after all, because it showed that teachers were totally unprepared for a violent attack.

Yes, yes they were. And they should be. And they should stay unprepared. You know why? Because teachers aren't police. They're not military. They're trained to teach people and give out homework. They're fucking TEACHERS. And frankly, even in the age of shooting rampages, school shootings are rare enough that it's not worth turning every teacher in the country into a paramilitary expert in order to... maybe stop them or something?

In Harlem, the kids were there, everyone was terrorized, and the district was going to investigate it, but that was like six months ago and I couldn't find any results of the investigation. At least they haven't kept doing it.

And while I have very little sympathy for the "they meant well" defense, because meaning well doesn't mean shit if you do something horrible, theater manager Bob Wilkins doesn't even have that defense, because he staged his fake shooting to make "Iron Man 3" more exciting.

This is, quite easily, the lamest way to add extra 3-D showings ever invented by man. Even worse than post-conversion. Strong words, I know, but we don't pull punches here.

And if you're going to terrorize a theater full of movie-watchers for entertainment value, for fuck's sake, don't pick Iron Man 3. Pick The Internship. Those people clearly don't know fear.