Steaming Piles Of Racists

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Memo to Paula Deen's defenders: ALLOW ME TO ADDRESS YOUR CONCERNS.

I'm enjoying this Paula Deen thing so much that I'm going to return to it even though I was wrong on Friday about Food Network supporting her. I figured that if they were cool about her hiding her diabetes for years until she had an endorsement deal with Big Pharma, a little Old Southern love for plantation days wouldn't change their minds. But she's not getting her contract renewed, and this has angered some people who like racism.

Luckily, the thousands of comments and messages in Deen's defense fall into a few very basic categories that I can address here. Mostly by being sarcastic and dismissive.

BUT THE RAPPERS AND THE BLACKS!

There are three things you should remind any people in your life who make this argument. First, ask them if a word can mean different things in different contexts. If they are stupid, they will say "no". If they're not stupid, ask them if it's plausible that a word used in one context might be more offensive than a word in another context. If they're stupid, they will say "no", and if they're a racist, they'll see where you're going and start sputtering.

The second thing you should remind them of is that the only kind of white person who wishes they could say "nigger" without repercussions is a racist.

And third, remind them to get the hell out of your life, because they're fucked in the head.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO!

First, depending on who you believe, it was either six years ago or somewhere between six and twenty years ago. Second, it's not just about the one slur. She wanted all-black servants at a PLANTATION WEDDING. Six years ago.

You know what that tells me? That tells me that whether she says the N-word currently or not, she's nostalgic for a time when black people were inferior and servants. I don't care why she thinks that. I don't care if she doesn't understand what thinking that means. The Food Network has had a tough enough time with its ethnic diversity to keep slavery nostalgia hanging around.

SHE DIDN'T HURT NOBODY!

Yes, she did. Not with what she said. But here's the thing about certain attitudes. When you carry around certain attitudes towards black people, and you don't recognize that those attitudes are wrong and harmful, but rather, quaint and pleasant? You will hurt people all the time and never even notice.

I'm sure Paula Deen is convinced that her hiring practices are 100% fair and merit-based. I'm sure she's convinced that she treats everyone equally. But she doesn't. Because she can't. She can't think the way she does, and think thinking the way she does is OK, and not hurt people in dozens of tiny ways every single fucking day. You don't have to burn a cross to hurt someone with racism.

FREEDOM OF SPEECH / POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RUN AMOK!

The freedom to make millions of dollars shilling donut-bun hamburgers for a major media conglomerate is not without certain risks. One of those risks is that, if your behavior reflects badly on that conglomerate, they might fire your ass.

I mean, they might not. Lots of racists are racist without getting fired. Bill O'Reilly's at least twice as racist as Paula Deen is, but his conglomerate knows that's part of their image, so he still gets paid.

And trust me. When political correctness stops you from saying "nigger", it's not running amok. It's doing its fucking job. It's not even political correctness. It's just society moving slighly past you and then yelling at you to CATCH THE FUCK UP ALREADY.

BUT BUT RAPPERS AND BLACKS SAY IT!

Look, we've been over this. It's different.

BUT BUT BUT RAPPERS RHYMING SAY IT!

Goddammit, how many times do I have to...

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK PEEEEEEEEEEEOPLE!

Nevermind. Die soon, thanks. Sweet merciful fuckmonkey, there are a lot of racists in America.