Trick Or Treatise

« October 2013 »

Memo to Bill Johnson, Preston Bates, and Ken Cuccinelli: YOU ARE SPOOOOOOKY DUMB.

Tomorrow is Halloween, so like the cheap plastic costumes of my youth, I'm going to hang a flimsy mask on the, if you'll pardon the expression, head of my column, and wrap the rest in flame-resistant plastic emblazoned with a cheap picture of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. Dress-up edition!

"I do not know if the president asked to see the web site before it was rolled out. That'll be an interesting question. But here's one thing I will tell you, Bill: the President ought to reimburse the American people for any cost that's associated with fixing or replacing this website. Over $400 million have been spent. It's been a flawed rollout. It's a waste of taxpayer dollars. The American people need to be reimbursed." - Bill Johnson, Ohio congressman, dressing up as Clueless Motherfucker Who Writes Your Laws.

A lot of fuckwits try to compare the government to a household budget, but this is the first time I've seen the government compared to a cable company, where you can get credited a day of service if there's an outage. Or a restaurant, where if your health care website doesn't show up on time, they comp you chips and guacamole.

Of course the government "reimbursing" taxpayers for things they fucked up would blow a giant hole in the budget, and so I'm wondering how this suggestion could possibly come from the same people who don't think we have the money to spend on feeding poor people. But if we are going to hand out paychecks for government fuckups, my Iraq War reparations would come in handy what with a couple new game consoles coming out soon. Just saying.

"I’m born owning myself. And I think other people are born self-sovereign. I’m not sure I believe in luck either. I hear the probability part of what you’re saying. Yeah, what was the difference between me being born Preston Bates or me being born this indigent, poor child? I don’t know if it was luck or if it was probability." - Upper-class glibertarian Preston Bates, dressing up as "sexy libertarian".

Bates is apparently among a group of twentysomething libertarians who are dumping their trust funds into primary challenges in the GOP. He's also, in his own words, "very tantric". So, yeah, we're all fucked.

Here's a quick lesson for Master Bates. You know what luck is? It's when you come out on top in regards to probability. Bad luck is when probability lands you in an "indigent" family. Good luck is when probability turns you into a little rich shithead who tries to make his life sound less privileged by using a synonym with four extra syllables in it.

"You know saying the words education and research, that's all great but those are goals, those are platitudes, They're not plans. I like those too. I like education —I like puppies! But I don't bring a puppy home if I don't have a plan to deal with that puppy." - Virginia Governor Ken Cuccinelli, dressing as someone who thinks he's going to be governor in a few months.

Now, this quote, from a recent debate, does show that The Cooch is very bit the condescending dickhead he's always been. But that's not why this quote is here. This quote is here so I have an excuse to say that Rasmussen has Cuccinelli down by 17 points.

SEVENTEEN POINTS. RASMUSSEN. Rasmussen, of course, is a notoriously right-leaning pollster. They were a solid third in 2012 when it came to overrepresenting Republican votes. The Cooch better be happy he didn't reinstate the sodomy laws in Virginia, because come Election Day, I believe he's going to find himself in violation of them. Sans lube.