Donkey Sauce Punch

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Memo to Guy Fieri: I MAY HAVE TO CHANNEL YOU A BIT ON THIS ONE.

I have to try. I mean, there's very little actual information to go on here, but if Guy Fieri can take fifty cents-worth of mayonnaise and hot sauce and sell it for five bucks as "donkey sauce" in Times Square, then I can take the tiny scraps of information about Guy Fieri's fight with his hairdresser and turn it into something even more palatable, right? Fieri made an entire multimillion dollar career out of three words and two pairs of sunglasses. I can do this.

First, let's talk about the fight. While TMZ characterized it as a "knock down, drag out" fight, nobody actually got knocked down and nobody got dragged out. What happened was that Ariel Ramirez, who, now that he's been identified as Fieri's hairdresser, has to worry about war crimes charges at The Hague, was punching at Fieri through an SUV door, and Fieri was kicking at him through that same door.

As fights go, this falls somewhere above "7th grade nerd slapfight" and "any five minutes of The Bad Girl's Club". In other words, calibrated almost perfectly to what you'd expect from Guy Fieri.

Ramirez is also heard calling Fieri a "fucking dickhead", a "fucking dick", and a "fucking asshole", which is impressive. Because reports were that his entire entourage were all getting drunk on the plane into LA, yet even with the alcohol impairing his faculties, Ramirez was able to correctly rattle off Fieri's genus, phylum, and kingdom. Which, in addition to Fieri's actual hair, is evidence that Ramirez is in the wrong profession.

Anyway, Fieri drove away, his manager took Ramirez home in a cab, and that is literally all there is, which is almost as disappointing as the menu at Tex Wasabi's Rock and Roll Sushi BBQ. I mean, as celebrity meltdowns go, it really misses out on all the potential Deenesque awfulness opportunities provided by the involvement of a Latino hairdresser.

All we have is the obligatory "Oh, shit, someone filmed that and sent it to TMZ?" explanation from a Fieri rep, unidentified because, again, The Hague. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A bunch of guys were messing around. Things got a little out of hand, but they're all good now."

That makes it sound like a couple of twelve-year-olds roughhousing in the den when a titty twister goes a little too far and draws blood. I mean, it makes Fieri and his entourage sound like a bunch of immature manchildren who can't hold their liquor and publicly embarrass themselves on a regular basis. So I guess the rep was telling the truth after all.

Also, a cursory search on Google indicates that I may be the first person to use the phrase "donkey sauce punch" to describe this incident, in the media or otherwise. One of us should be deeply disappointed in the other of us, Internet, though I admit I'm not quite sure which yet.