Sunday Follies

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Memo to Thursday shoppers, Timothy Dolan, and Richard Simmons: YOU ARE SLIGHTLY BELATEDLY DUMB.

Bonus column! I know it's Sunday. Don't judge me, Judgey McJudgerson. I got thrown off by the holiday and completely forgot how the Friday coming before Saturday thing works. Anyway, there are still a couple of these left, so I'd hate to deprive you all of the bonus IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS that is your due.

"Retailers were pretty successful in drawing the consumers into the stores on Thursday. Thursday's sales came at the expense of Black Friday's numbers. We're just taking Black Friday sales and spreading them across a larger number of days. - Bill Martin of ShopperTrak, using data to tell you what I could have predicted.

Sales haven't been down because of a lack of time. Thanksgiving Day shopping didn't come about because there simply wasn't enough time the weekend after for everyone to buy everything. It's because nobody has any goddamn money. And we know why nobody has any goddamned money. Stagnant wages, income inequality, Great Recession.

So yes, people came out on Thursday in hopes of spending less of the money they don't have enough of on the deals they would have tried to get Friday morning instead. Having succeeded or failed, mostly failed, those people did not then go back out on Friday. Duh. Good thing all these retailers ruined people's days and acted like dicks.

"We've been caricatured as being anti-gay. And as much as we'd say, 'Wait a minute, we're pro marriage, we're pro traditional marriage, we're not anti anybody,' I don't know." - Archbishop Timothy Dolan, on the Catholic Church's reputation.

It's not a caricature, dumbass. It's just that you don't seem to realize that opposing gay people's happiness means being anti-gay. If you're anti- someone having sex, you're anti-that someone. If anyone should know the danger and damage caused by forced celibacy, it's the Catholic Church.

Being pro- traditional marriage means being pro- denying gay people marriage, which means being pro- denying gay people government recognition of their contract, which means being anti-gay. You're actively opposing the happiness of gay people. That's why people say you're anti-gay. It's not a caricature. It's what you are. Live with it.

"I love Michelle Obama. I wanted to meet them, both of them. They have rejected me totally." - Richard Simmons, on his efforts to be part of Michelle Obama's work to reduce childhood obesity.

I feel bad for Simmons. He clearly wants to help the Obamas' effort. And he doesn't realize how helpful he's being. By not being a part of it.

It is, after all, no longer the mid-1980s. And the program is targeted at children and young people. And let's face it, even at the best of times, Richard Simmons can be... you know what? I was going to say "a bit offputting", but let's be honest and accurate here. The right phrase is FUCKING CREEPY.

Today's kids aren't going to know that this aging, shouty clown in bad shorts is actually a famous fitness guru from when their parents were their age. They're just going to have PTSD triggered by jumping jacks for the rest of their lives. It's OK, Richard. You had your time. You don't need to be sweatin' with the youngies.