What About Cobra Commander?

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Memo to Duckfuckers: CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

I'm gonna warn you right off the bat, I am a huge, huge fan of the Duck Dynasty pontifigurd. The original quote, the action by A&E, and best of all, the widespread decision by the American Right to turn "Duck Commander" into their cause celebre is so utterly awesome that I intend to spend much of the time between now and Christmas opening my present.

So let's start with what Phil "Duck Commander" Robertson actually said in the GQ interview, because what he actually said, because what people are actually leaping to the defense of is some psychotic backwoods shit.

"It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer. I mean, come on, dudes! You know what I’m saying? But hey, sin: It’s not logical, my man. It’s just not logical.”

I've seen a lot of right-wing talk about "plumbing" and what's "natural", but I've never heard the theory that sexual orientation is determined by which orifice you think feels better on your dick. Well, until now. By a man who thinks he's being "logical" when he says it.

"I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once... They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!... Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” - Robertson, on how great things were for black people in pre-civil-rights Louisiana.

Yes, if it weren't for welfare and entitlements and desegregation, black people would be happy like they used to be, singing and picking cotton. Yes, he was working with them on a cotton farm. It doesn't get much more straight-up racist than fondness for a time when black people were happy singing cotton-pickers.

"We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?"

This is what he says to justify spending the entire article judging people for sinning and ruining America with their sinning. They always do. They're not judging, they're just reminding you all that God thinks you're an abomination.

"For the sake of the Gospel, it was worth it,” Phil tells me. “All you have to do is look at any society where there is no Jesus. I’ll give you four: Nazis, no Jesus. Look at their record. Uh, Shintos? They started this thing in Pearl Harbor. Any Jesus among them? None. Communists? None. Islamists? Zero. That’s eighty years of ideologies that have popped up where no Jesus was allowed among those four groups. Just look at the records as far as murder goes among those four groups.”

See? He's not judging anyone. He's just explaining that when your society lacks Jesus, your society becomes genocidal monsters. Also, he thinks the Nazi's didn't have Jesus. And he called Japanese "Shintos". And he didn't explain why, despite not having wholeheartedly adopted Christianity after World War II, the Japanese haven't been on a genocidal rampage ever since.

This is insane. He called Japanese people SHINTOS, for fuck's sake. If Grandpa started going off about the damn Shintos at Thanksgiving dinner, you'd shuffle him into the back room, quiet him down, and up his dosage.

But I guess we're gonna have a debate about this , because everything is tribal culture war and nothing can just be a crazy backwoods asshole spouting crazy backwoods asshole shit.