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Memo to the Duck Defenders: NONE OF THIS WAS NECESSARY.

The Duck Dynasty Christmas Miracle ends today, with even more defenders of the crazy-ass Duck Commander. Again, nobody had to defend him. He said crazy shit and got in trouble with his boss. But because some of his crazy shit, which, again, you can reference the specifics of here, the right felt compelled to leap to the defense of the Shinto-hating, vagina-feel-loving redneck.

In order to do this, of course, these people have to do two things. The first is to pretend that Robertson said considerably less than he actually did, and is being punished considerably more severely than he actually is. And for a prime example of this, let's turn to everyone's favorite go-to guy for this sort of thing, Ted Cruz.

"Phil expressed his personal views and his own religious faith; for that, he was suspended from his job. In a free society, anyone is free to disagree with him--but the mainstream media should not behave as the thought police censoring the views with which they disagree."

Well, let's not forget that Phil's "personal views" are racist, crazy, and slandered at least two other faiths. But Cruz is criticizing the mainstream media". Duck Dynasty IS the mainstream media. They're a top-rated cable reality show with a national merchandising reach. It doesn't get more mainstream media than that. And of course, not paying for views, or, as I fervently believe, taking punitive action with an employee who I bet violated a specific agreement, is not censorship.

But when you need a deep misunderstanding of both faith and freedom, the best place to turn is the Faith And Freedom Coalition, who had this to say:

"He was specifically asked about his views on sin and God’s best plan for humanity and he answered honestly, forthrightly, even directly paraphrasing the Bible (1 Corinthians 6:9). He foreswore any hatred or discrimination against any other person. And his comments were based on his faith in God, not animus directed at gays or others who might be different from him."

First of all, you cannot "directly paraphrase" anything, and taking a chunk of the Bible that condemns some stuff and then adding other things to it you also want it to condemn is not "honest" or "forthright". And yes, he foreswore hatred. If I said "I am not embezzling this money" while I was embezzling money, my boss would still fire me.

And I know the FFF, being just five letters away from the KKK, has a different understanding of "animus" than I do, but he did say that without Jesus, your society is a genocidal monster. Maybe he called the "Shintos" genocidal monsters in a way free of judgment and animus, but it got muffled in his giant weird racist beard?

But in any situation like this, someone has to be the worst. Normally, this would be animatronic colostomy bag Bryan Fischer, who did call Robertson an "American hero" and suggest that America needs another 149,999,999 bearded hilbillies to fight off the Shinto welfare hordes. But Fischer was outpaced by congressional candidate and Batman villain Ian Bayne, who took control, took control of the situation and ensured that Rick Santorum's Obamacare/apartheid comparison would only be the second worst of the year. ACTUAL WORST QUOTE TIME!

""In December 1955, Rosa Parks..."

OK, I understand if you want to bail now. It's Christmas Eve, after all. You may not want your family to ask you why your face is all red and scowly. OK. The rest of you? Let's proceed.

"In December 1955, Rosa Parks took a stand against an unjust societal persecution of black people, and in December 2013, Robertson took a stand against persecution of Christians,"

He took a stand against anal sex, dumbfuck. And not even a particularly coherent one. And while it's true that anal sex persecutes some Christians, it doesn't persecute all of them.

Of course, when you're the worst, people notice, and ask you to explain yourself. So if you enjoy people digging deeper half as much as I do, I'll enjoy this quote twice as much as you.

"The comparison between Parks and Robertson is based on the recent persecution of Christians, and not in skin color or literal comparison."

Well, we know it wasn't a literal comparison. Phil Robertson doesn't even live in a place with regular bus service. I believe what you meant to say is that it wasn't a one-to-one comparison, which, you know. It was. And the best part? Pressed on the explicitly racist part of Robertson's diatribe, Bayne admitted he hadn't read that part when he made the initial comparison, but still stands by what he said after being made aware of it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a huge dumbass.