Live From New York

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Memo to Victoria Jackson, Lorne Michaels, and Dinesh D'Souza: LINE UP FOR YOUR PITCHFORKINGS.

There are three quotes this week. One makes me unironically happy, one makes me sad, and one makes me laugh. In that order. I thought about having you all guess, but I'm going to make it totally obvious anyway, so there wouldn't be much of a game anyway. Still, it's a testament to the different emotional reactions that can be spawned when IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"I don’t really want to beg for money from anybody; I hope to do it the old-fashioned way – word of mouth. I may pay for some T-shirts and stickers with my own money. I have no political aspirations. I just want to help save my country. It should be about ideology, not about who has the most money.” - Victoria Motherfucking Jackson, explaining her campaign strategy as she plans a run for county commissioner just south of Nashville, Tennessee.

How awesome is this? All the awesome. That's how awesome it is. First, I'd either somehow missed or somehow forgotten that the dumbest woman in America had moved to the dumbest state in America. That's so perfect it's like a big stupid Faberge egg. Second, her name recognition is so microscopic that apparently, county government is the highest office it could help her with.

But the best part is, Jackson is approaching this campaign the way she approaches everything in life - with the insane belief that her delusions are positions and that by espousing them, she is doing something important. And maybe printing up some stickers. Because who the hell wouldn't want a Victoria Jackson For Williamson County Commissioner campaign sticker? I'd buy one right now if I could. Also, I want her to win, because it would be more crazy and less harmful than Governor Jesse Ventura, and that was a fucking hoot.

"Republicans are easier for us than Democrats. Democrats tend to take it personally; Republicans think it’s funny." - Lorne Michaels, in New York Magazine.

This makes me sad. Not that Lorne Michaels said Democrats are sensitive and humorless. That wouldn't be a particularly stinging blow even if he believed it. No, it's that he clearly doesn't believe it, yet so many people think he did. Including butthurt Democrats.

Lorne Michaels isn't the SNL guy. He's the mastermind behind a massive multibillion dollar media empire of which Saturday Night Live is a central, but small part. And you know what media magnates do? They play nice with customers. Republicans are customers. Republicans would rather hear that they can take a joke (unlike those pussy liberals) than that they're objectively more fucking ridiculous.

And even if he did mean it, which he didn't, who gives a shit? Lorne Michaels doesn't get to decide what's funny, or who's funny. He gets to decide who's on Saturday Night Live. A job for which a roughly .500 batting average is apparently the key to wealth and power.

"I went into Obama's world and into Obama's mind. We advanced a thesis that here is a traumatized and messed-up guy who is haunted by the dreams of his father. Whether this is a kind of payback remains to be seen." - Dinesh D'Souza, explaining to Sean Hannity why he got busted for illegal campaign bundling.

It's not in the least bit surprising that the persecution card would be D'Souza's go-to here. It's his only play. But two things about this crack me up. If D'Souza honestly thinks he got into Obama's mind with his boilerplate pop-psychology hackwork, he should be running for commissioner of Williamson County. Though in his case, I wouldn't buy his sticker. It'd just go into the legal defense fund.

But the best part? You know what another word is for something that remains to be seen? Something that can't be seen. Something that can be imagined? Sure. Something that can be implied, in order to give Sean Hannity a mild erection? Absolutely. But not a thing that is actually visible. Just a way of ducking, oh, what's the phrase again? That's right. Personal responsibility.