Drinking Their Own

« February 2014 »

Memo to Americans Against Coke: WHAT YOU HOLD DEAR IS DUMB.

I know, thanks to secondhand reports, that the Super Bowl this past weekend was a dull fucking affair. Americans were reminded that the Denver Broncos were mortal, that the Red Hot Chili Peppers are old, and that, yes, they made another fucking Transformers movie. So I understand the need to forget all of that and find some sort of distraction.

But for some reason, instead of collectively obsessing over the long-form Captain America: The Winter Soldier trailer (not the Super Bowl ad, which is just a short version of the proper second trailer), we decided, apparently, to obsess over a Coke ad. That had people singing "America The Beautiful". In more than one language.

When it comes to knee-jerk reactions, English-only nativist fuckwads have the superhuman reflexes of, well, Steve Rogers. So they got super-shitty on Facebook and Twitter and I'm not going to bother quoting them because they literally have only one argument. FURRINERS ARE BAD. You know what they said without even looking.

And then it became a thing, and all things have to have two equally valid political sides, so Fox fuckers like Eric Bolling had to leap in and defend the knee-jerk nativists. Allen West continued his streak of being on the wrong side of any issue (a streak he began with the issue of prisoner treatment) by calling the song "a deeply Christian patriotic anthem whose theme is unity".

Fun fact - in one of the verses nobody sings, "America The Beautiful" asks God to refine America's gold. How "deeply Christian" and pro-unity that is is left as an exercise for the careful reader.

But even assuming all the wrong people were right, and it's somehow an insult to America to have the song sung in a foreign language, pick your fucking battles, nativists. Because Coca Cola is so incredibly on your side that you need to cut them some fucking slack.

I mean, from a pure policy standpoint, what's Coca Cola's attitude towards foreigners? Not only has Coke convinced billions of non-Americans to abandon their traditional beverages in favor of sugar-water invented in the good old U.S.A., exporting not only the syrup and the bubblers but the related health issues that go with it, they get filthy stinking rich making those foreign people pay for the privilege!

The Heritage Foundation would cream themselves if they could be one percent as effective as that.

Don't get me wrong. I adore caffeinated bubbly sugar water. But the people that make it are rapacious capitalists of the highest order. If they show gay people drinking Coke, it's because there's money in it. If they translate "spacious skies" into fucking Urdu, it's because there's money in it. And if you generate a phony controversy out of your Pavlovian xenophobia, Coke has an itself and a smile, because guess what? There's money in that too.