Standing For Something

« February 2014 »

Memo to Rovio, Rand Paul, and Comcast: YOU ARE DUMB.

Is it that time again? I believe it is. We're going to go super-topical with this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY, because, well, the thing I want to talk about most came up yesterday, so that's gonna set the theme. It doesn't have to, but it's easy, and SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY is about nothing if not making things easy.

I have been on record for a long time as hating the ever-loving fuck out of Angry Birds. And not for lack of trying. They put it in space and I tried that. They made it Star Wars and I tried that. Fuck Angry Birds. And this isn't even gamer snobbery, as my extensive Marvel Puzzle Quest roster (haven't paid a cent, except from my soul!) will attest.

Yesterday, Rovio announced that the new Angry Birds game would be called, for some fucking reason, "Angry Birds Stella", and described it thusly. ACTUAL MARKETING QUOTE TIME!

"Angry Birds Stella is breaking the mold by introducing strong, passionate characters who really stand for something, while adding plenty of action and reality into the mix." - Mikael Hed, Rovio CEO.

Every fiber of my being screams that this is a hoax. Strong, passionate characters, realism, and standing for something? In an Angry Birds game? That shares a name with a surrealist comedy troupe? But no, Mikael Hed is not a Michael Ian Black character. He's the real CEO and this is apparently a real thing and now we will apparently see that the birds' anger is in fact a justifiable anger against injustice. Or something.

Rand Paul has apparently decided that the GOP's attitude towards women can be defended by attacking a 16-year-old semen stain. We've already discussed the hilarity of Paul defending Huckabee's "libido" comment by saying Bill Clinton was a sexual predator, but he's gone one step farther.

Now, Rand Paul has decided that unless Democrats stop letting Bill Clinton fundraise for them, and in fact return any money he fundraised for them, they don't get to have a position on women's issues. Because Clinton fucked an intern.

How adorably stupid is this? So adorably stupid that Karl Rove, of all people, thinks it's an epic political fail. And said so, albeit somewhat diplomatically. And believe me, Karl Rove is an expert on political failure.

I've spent over a dozen years in a cable market that Comcast bought out from Time-Warner Cable, so I'd like to officially apologize to America for the coaxial ass-reaming you're about to receive on a national scale.

I mean, don't get me wrong, Time-Warner Cable is a shitty cable company, even when you start from the baseline shittiness of cable companies. But Comcast is also deeply shitty. And on top of that, if the Twin Cities west metro is any indication, enjoy about a decade of being told that whatever nifty piece of technology you saw on a website or on the Web isn't "available in your area". I tried to get any-room DVR when I moved three goddamned years ago. Not rocket science. Also not available in my area.

But that's OK. I'm sure that once the buyout is approved and Comcast has a nigh-monopoly on cable service in the USA, they'll get right on top of improving services and lowering prices and not spend all their time rebranding the same old shit with future-sounding nonsense-names like "XFinity", because that's how economics works, right?