The Forever Wars

« February 2014 »

Memo to Georgia, Paul LePage, and Rick Brattin: YOU CONTINUALLY INSIST UPON BEING DUMB.

One of the great things about politics in America is the repetition. Think you've won a fight? You haven't. You may currently be on top, but there is no issue that cannot be relitigated eternally by the right. Three such battles compose this week's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

Think you won the Civil War? Think again. Georgia is about to put the Confederate flag on license plates, because goddamn commie liberal Yankees think they won the War of Northern Aggression and freed the slaves, and we can't let them go on believing it. So now Georgia residents can add a Confederate license plate to the three other incarnations of the Stars and Bars they have adorning their mobile pigfucking platforms.

And if you're bothered by the Flag of the Incompetent Traitors making yet another appearance inexplicably sponsored by the government that handed out the ass-whupping in the 1860s, allow license plate designer and Sons of Confederate Veterans commander Jack Bridwell be confused by you:

“What’s the big deal? If I offend anyone, I don’t understand why because we had the emblem on there for years.”

See? Jack Bridwell is incapable of learning, therefore, um, shut up? Yeehaw.

Think you won on child labor? Think again. Maine governor Paul LePage knows better.

“We don’t allow children to work until they’re 16, but two years later, when they’re 18, they can go to war and fight for us, That’s causing damage to our economy. I started working far earlier than that, and it didn’t hurt me at all. There is nothing wrong with being a paperboy at 12 years old, or at a store sorting bottles at 12 years old.”

Well, that makes perfect sense. But it does leave one pressing question unanswered. If Paul LePage's child labor didn't do him any harm, what was it that actually turned him into a barely coherent mural-hating madman who thinks we're not getting enough productivity out of our teenagers before sending them off to war and is under the impression that bottle sorting is a big trade in 2014? Because whatever that is, we should definitely make sure it stays illegal.

Think you won on evolution? Ha, I'm kidding. Of course you don't. You know better than that. I know better than that. And certainly Missouri knows better than that. It's the only thing Missouri knows better than anybody.

A new bill introduced by some garden variety state senator dumbass by the name of Rick Brattin, would require school districts to notify parents if their kids were being taught the Demon Darwin, and allow those parents to pull their kids out just like any other controversial subject they don't believe in, like global warming or female sexuality.

This, says Brattin, will protect children from indoctrination, because as we all know, nothing is more dear to fundamentalist Christian creationists than letting young children have all the information available to them and letting them make up their own minds about what's correct.