It's O'Adam And O'Eve, Not O'Adam And O'Steve

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Memo to Boston: YOU ARE DUMB.

Quick programming note - I'm taking a break next week from the column to refresh the brain and turn 45. There will probably be some kind of placeholder content, I'm thinking reruns of some very old-school YAD from 2004, possibly with commentary, time and energy permitting. And speaking of time and energy permitting, let's talk progress.

Progress is fun! Large amounts of progress, like the legalization of gay marriage in Minnesota, give us a chance to celebrate the general increase in human justice. And microscopic amounts of progress are hilarious because they expose how far things still need to go. Which brings us to Boston.

St. Patrick's Day parades are a weird-ass tradition where Irishness is celebrated by taking the worst aspects of Irish culture and stereotypes and magnifying them a thousandfold. Everyone may not actually be Irish on St. Patrick's day, but they can certainly be alcoholics, sing "Danny Boy" off key, and hate gay people. Gay people have been barred from lots of St. Patrick's Day parades over the years, but this year, in Boston, there was sort of not really a breakthrough.

Organizers of Boston's parade agreed to let MassEquality, a group of gay military veterans, march in the parade, under one condition. That they not actually identify themselves as gay. No rainbows, no triangles, no "I'm Gay" T-shirts. Gay people could be in the parade as long as nobody watching could figure out that gay people were in the parade. MassEquality has, obviously, declined this oh-so generous offer, stated so eloquently by parade coordinator Tim Duross. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The fact that they need to identify themselves as openly gay veterans is kind of where the stalemate lies. I don't know why that's so important in this parade. We are not planning romances here. We are just putting on a parade."

Ah, Boston. The Bizarro Austin of the Northeast. Where tolerance means making sure homos don't turn your parade into a mobile, crowded, wildly inefficient low-tech version of Grindr. Don't ever change, Boston, by which I mean seriously, it's long past fucking time you changed. Your courts just ruled upskirt photos of ladies legal. Barely legal, even.

In New York Fucking City, Bill DeBlasio is boycotting their parade for similar reasons. Boston's mayor will boycott, but tried to broker this weird compromise so that he could make everyone like him.

But now nobody's happy - not MassEquality, and not this year's Grand Marshall of Shitty Analogies, parade organizer Phil Wushcke, who pointed out that if gays want to gay it up all over Boston's streets, they can do it in their pride parades.

"They have a day for that, which is non-inclusive and doesn’t allow pro-life groups and Catholic organization. We’ve always been inclusive."

Well, Catholic organizations can and do march in gay pride parades and identify themselves as Catholic. Just not the ones that oppose gay rights and everything a gay pride parade stands for. So what Wuschke is saying is that homosexuality opposes everything St. Patrick's Day stands for - Ireland, drinking to excess, and playing with snakes. And I'm pretty sure homosexuality is compatible with all three.

I wish these groups would realize that if they just let gays march openly, they'd quickly realize like the rest of us that St. Patrick's Day parades are fucking awful, and give them a wide berth in the future, sparing themselves the sight of sparkly green shamrocks in gutters covered in vomit. But bigots are, by definition, pig-headed and stubborn about shit normal people don't care about, so the fight will continue long after gay marriage is legal in Alabama.