« March 2014 »

Memo to Dab Snyder, Mike Scollon, and Andrew Brenner: YOU ARE DUMB.

No themes this week, no unifying principle other than the most basic, most common one. The only thing that binds these quotes together is that they are DAMNDEST THINGS, SAID BY IDIOTS. See? Mixing it up. Changing word order is variety, right?

"It's not enough to celebrate the values and heritage of Native Americans. We must do more." - Redskins owner Dan Snyder, making an interesting accidental point.

From this quote, we can determine two thing. First, that Dan Snyder thinks the name "Redskins" celebrates the values and heritage of Native Americans, and second, Dan Snyder is apparently unwilling to celebrate the values and heritage of Native Americans to their face by referring to them in the same celebratory way as the team name he refuses to change.

By the way, "doing more" means giving coats to Indians, because after all, there's nothing tarnished at all about the symbology of white people giving Native Americans pieces of fabric to keep them warm. Good call, Snyder.

“The film's female lead, Miss Piggy, arguably bears some resemblance to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, whose stance on Russia has toughened considerably as the Crimean crisis unfolds." - Mike Scollon, of "Radio Free Europe Radio Liberty", pulling parallels out of Mike's Colon.

"Arguably". What a magical word. Stick it in a sentence and the sentence automatically becomes defensible as true, no matter how batshit insane its premise is, because by asserting it, you are essentially arguing it, and if you're arguing it, it's arguable. Quod erat dumbonstrandumb.

The right's weird-ass obsession with Muppet politics is, of course, hilarious. Our friends at Big Hollywood, who also tipped me off to Scollon's "Muppets: Most Wanted Is Totally An Allegory For An Invasion That Happened Long After The Movie Was Done Filming" article, also claimed that the first movie's left-wing politics were responsible for the sequel coming in second place to a young adult film adaptation last weekend. Stop stalking Kermit, wingnuts.

"Socialism, defined on Wikipedia, 'is a social and economic system characterized by social ownership of the means of production and co-operative management of the economy,' That seems to summarize our primary education system. Public education in America is socialism." - Ohio state representative Andrew Brenner continuing to prove the value of state legislatures.

In the words of the awesome Tim Minchin, "Well, SORT OF." Public education is a bit socialist, yes, in the sense that any time the government takes money and operates a system for the public good, there's a bit of socialism in that. But first of all, if you have to look up the definition of socialism on Wikipedia, you're clearly unqualified to pass judgment on it. And second, even if it's socialism, that's not actually a problem.

Of course, if we decide that is a problem, we can just deal with it the way the U.S. traditionally handles socialist enemies. Buy drugs off the kids to get them money, then sell them guns and train them to be right-wing death squads who can systematically disappear the teachers. It's worked well in the past, after all.