White People: Problems

« March 2014 »

Memo to white people, Bill O'Reilly, and Chris Christie: YOU ARE DUMB.

White people are exhausting. And when I say "white people", I don't just mean people who happen to be Caucasians. I mean white people who treat being white the same way Browncoats treat liking Firefly. People who are invested in being white. People who treat their whiteness as a vital part of their identity. Not white supremacists, exactly. More like white nerds. White modifying "nerds" the way "Star Wars" does. They're exhausting. Which is the thesis, such as it is, of 2/3 of today's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

OK, white people. You can stop pretending to be offended by Nick Cannon in whiteface. You've had your fun. Now cut it out. It's starting to get unseemly. You know that a black guy putting on whiteface is different from a white person putting on blackface. And you know it's because of the history. If it weren't for the history, blackface wouldn't be racist.

In fact, it's almost like a bunch of white people are taking the outrage that minorities have for offensive portrayals of blackface, and smearing it all over themselves in order to pass as oppressed. Emotional blackface, if you will. Plus, you shitheads made me pay attention to Nick Cannon, which is almost a worst crime than your "reverse racism" bullshit.

And speaking of affronted white people, Bill O'Reilly.

I didn't bother going into it because his CPAC stuff was funnier, but Paul Ryan also got caught in a serious racist dog-whistle recently, referring to "inner-city men" not wanting to work. Which of course we all know is lazy black people. And to show everyone he wasn't racist, Paul Ryan cited scientific research by the racist asshole who wrote "The Bell Curve".

This led Bill O'Reilly to decry the "race hustlers" who criticized Paul Ryan for being a dog-whistling race-baiting fucktard. These race hustlers are everywhere, just waiting to pounce on an innocent white person who, say, is surprised that black people use forks like people do. Or thinks that Michelle Obama should tell Kanye West to stop gangsta rapping. Or said pretty much anything Bill O'Reilly has ever said about "the blacks", including calling them "the blacks".

Good news, everyone! Chris Christie's lawyer announced that Chris Christie's investigation proved that Chris Christie had nothing to do with the bridge scandal! Of course, it did somehow manage to reveal that Christie had actually heard about the bridge closing when he said he hadn't, but that's OK, because he just forgot.

I don't know what's more insulting to our collective intelligence. That Christie thought he could get away with "I didn't recall", which at this point is a goddamned punchline, not an excuse? Or that they thought embedding a tiny new nugget of admission into their "internal investigation" would make it seem like a legitimate thing instead of the hilarious traveshamockery that it actually is.

Actually, I'm pretty sure what's ost insulting to our collective intelligence is that it might work.