Somewhat At A Loss For Word

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Memo to Norm Coleman: YOU'RE A DUMB FUCKING HYPOCRITE.

In fact, "hypocrite", even "dumb fucking hypocrite", doesn't really do Norm Coleman justice. He deserves a whole new term to describe his particular brand of toadying, self-serving hypocrisy. I have a few ideas, but I can't settle on just one.

  • Hypoprick
  • Forktongued Cockbastard
  • Reverse Coproperistaltic Narcissasshole
  • Professor of Rectotongular Studies at Suckup University
  • Alternately, we could just start calling any weaselly, self-promoting, over-rated, publicity-grabbing, plastic-haired, dental-capped, party-switching lying scumbags "Norm Coleman".

I've mentioned Norm Coleman and his nigh-limitless supply of unmitigated gall in the past, of course. He's the former Democrat St. Paul Mayor that jumped ship to the Republicans and won his Senate seat thanks to an unfortunate plane crash and the subsequent right-wing "reality adjustment action" on Paul Wellstone's memorial service.

When we last heard anything of note from Coleman, he was part of the Republican Neo-Truth Squad at the Democratic National Convention, telling every lapdog reporter who had ten inches to fill that John Kerry was a flip-flopper. You may have sensed a disturbance in the Force around that time, as if millions of voices cried out at once, "Hey, weren't you a Democrat a couple of years ago, fuckoid?" and were suddenly ignored.

Junior Senator Coleman, basically, is the new kid they let into the club 'cause his dad lets him borrow the sportscar on weekends. Desperate for acceptance and approval, Coleman bounded into his new role like a retarded puppy, eager to please his new masters.

"Hey, guys! Man, you know what sucks? Liberals. I used to hang around those guys, and man, do they really suck. I hate them. You're much cooler. Could you pass me the dip? And some PAC money? No? Hey, that Kerry, he's a flip-flopper, isn't he? He flips and flops all the time. Flip. Flop. Hey, can I be on your super-secret committee? No? Man, that Arlen Specter needs to get in line. I peeked at him in the Senate bathroom, and he's got a tiny dick. But I'm not gay! We sure hate those gays, huh, guys? Sorry about not delivering Minnesota for Bush, but it all worked out in the end, right, guys? Guys? Where are you going? Hey, you guys hate the U.N.? I hate it too!"

That's Coleman's latest kick. "Investigating" the UN Oil for Food corruption scandal. He's a regular Sherlock Hound, that one. Today, in one of the most stunning feats of hypocrisy since, well, the last time he opened his cakehole, Coleman called on UN General Secretary Kofi Annan to resign. And here is his logic. It's ACTUAL SPECIAL ANNOTATION QUOTE TIME! What Coleman's been saying is so special that I've developed a unique new annotation system for his quotes. Underlined passages denote outright lies. Bolded passages denote unproven allegations, and bolded, underlined sections denote areas you should be laughing and crying at the same time at Coleman's unwarranted chutzpah.

"The decision to call for Mr. Annan's resignation does not come easily," Coleman wrote. "But I have arrived at this conclusion because the most extensive fraud in the history of the U.N. occurred on his watch. The bottom line is, one man was in charge and if we're going to get to the bottom of this, he's got to step back so that we can have trust and credibility and transparency in sorting out what happened."

"If we're to get to the bottom of this, if there's to be any credibility, the person that was at the helm during the course of this thing cannot be... the guy that we go asking for help and assistance in getting the people we need to talk to... Any private company would have asked for his (Annan's) resignation. But the members of the board, in this case Security Council members China, Russia and France, have all benefited from Saddam being in power."

After Abu Ghraib, after Valerie Plame, after the 9/11 commission report, after the Halliburton scandals, after the Red Cross determining that we're TORTURING people in Gitmo, after a botched invasion and an incompetent occupation and oh, by the way, NO FUCKING WMD's, Norm Coleman, whose nose was mistaken for a polyp during Bush's last physical, can actually dare to use the phrase "ON HIS WATCH" with a straight face?

That he's even able to utter the words "trust", "credibility", and "transparency without his tongue turning into a venomous, hallucinogenic tree frog and his last, bloated moments on Earth being spent ripping off all his clothes and doing a spastic mambo on the Senate floor merely reaffirms my atheism. That he can pretend that the Security Council member his FUCKING FEET ARE TOUCHING RIGHT NOW never benefited from having Saddam in power turns my stomach.

Even assuming the absolute worst possible scenarios in the oil-for-food mess are true, which is an iffy proposition at best since there are six different investigations going on concurrently and lots of different stories flying around, Norm Coleman has a nigh-homeopathic fraction of the moral and ethical authority required to be calling for anyone to step down because of abuses carried out by their underlings. 2008 can't come soon enough, shithead.