Asses All Around

« August 2014 »

Memo to Rick Perry, William Kristol, and Milo Manara: YOU ARE SPECIAL DUMB.

I've spent the majority of my afternoon and evening proving the universal law that any positive experience with Comcast must be followed by an equal and slightly greater negative experience. Caused primarily by whichever yahoo shrink-wrapped the wrong AC adapter to the shiny new X1 box I picked up. But that's neither here nor there when IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"There’s the obvious great concern that because of the condition of the border from the standpoint of it not being secure and us not knowing who is penetrating across, that individuals from ISIS or other terrorist states could be — and I think there is a very real possibility that they may have already used that." - A freshly indicted Rick Perry, whose glasses aren't helping.

A lot of news reports are focusing on the crazy-ass part of what Perry implied - that Islamic State terrorists have already snuck into the US across the Mexican border. Also focusing on that is Mexico, who are understandably miffed at Perry slandering them as an Islamist waystation just to score cheap political fearmonger points.

But in doing so, the media, at least, cleaned up and excised the only legible part of his quote and surrounded it with not quote words so that people wouldn't have to painstakingly decipher what the fuck he meant with that Palinian word salad answer at a Heritage Foundation shindig. Calling Rick Perry an intellectual lightweight is frankly insulting to the legions of intellectual lightweights who lead full and productive lives shrink-wrapping power adapters to cable boxes.

"I would like a little overreaction by the President now. He should go to Congress right away to get authorization. But meanwhile he’s acting under the War Powers Act, and he shouldn’t wait. He shouldn’t wait! There’s a huge amount of bombing and damage that could be done to ISIS tomorrow if the president orders it.” - William Kristol on the Sunday talk shows, sending a clear signal that the current level of airstrikes are insufficient. For him to jerk off to.

Now, different people can argue about why the Islamic State has become such a prominent threat to the region. But there's no denying that if you go back and look at what kicked off the conditions in the region that allowed them to thrive, you'll find it was "a huge amount of bombing and damage". At the time, we called it SHOCK AND AWE and it fueled at least one Toby Keith album.

But really, why play the blame game of "who destabilized who based on what complete falsification" when we can just point out that Kristol is calling on Obama to engage in unilateral action without Congressional approval, and wonder why scientists haven't tapped into the wingnut oscillation between DICTATOR and LAZY/WEAK as a clean, efficient power source. That could probably power a cable box, come to think of it, if one had the right plug.

"Apart from the fact that there is a compulsory prerequisite to do [erotic art]: It seems to me that both in the United States and in the rest of the world there are things much more important and serious you have to deal with. The facts of Ferguson, or the drama of Ebola… unless there is, in these times, a hypersensitivity to images more or less erotic, due to this continuous comparison that we are called to do with Islam.” - Italian comic artist Milo Manara, attempting to dismiss criticism of his Spider-Womann cover.

The Spider-Woman cover, by the way, only counts as "erotic" if you're a skin-paint fetishist with a thing for wildly disproportionate asses. Spider-Woman, as depicted by Manara, is like seventy percent ass. We're talking giving Sir Mix-A-Lot nightmares levels of ass. We're talking not so much measurements as a Fibonacci sequence levels of ass. Her ass is exponential. Her ass's gravity has clearly pulled her neck inside her torso. It looks like Plastic Man doing Ringu cosplay and crawling out of the heart-shaped Looney Tunes monster instead of a well.

Manara may well need to believe that my opinion is the result of an Islamic-style hypersensitivity to erotic art, And certainly, "all my critics are crazy and wrong" is a popular defense in modern times. But the fact is, the late 90s are over, and nobody cranks one off to comics anymore. Like newspapers and radio, "sexy comic ladies" are a dying medium, and only the people still producing it don't realize it.