Fake Tit For Tat

« August 2014 »

Memo to the Minnesota GOP: YOU ARE AWFUL AT THIS.

If all politics is local, and all politics is stupid, then by extension, all local politics must be stupid. But why determine that mathematically when we can do a more evidence-based study? And it's even convenient, because we can do it right here in Minnesota.

If you follow politics at all, you know Republicans have a bit of a problem when it comes to identity politics. Because they largely share a single one. And that single one has a history of oppressing all the other ones, which leads to certain institutionalized and internalized attitudes, which then come out on tape or in print, and then they get yelled at and have to rail against "political correctness".

From that point, there are a number of possible maneuvers. The funniest and weakest of these is always the Reverse Gotcha. They try to find something comparable from a politician on the other side, and then they try to manufacture outrage about it thinking that if they can score a point, it'll somehow come out as a tie.

This brings us to Jim Hegedorn, who's hoping to win the Minnesota First District House seat in November. Hegedorn's candidacy is being hampered by the eight years he spent blogging, "poking fun at politics" under the heading of "Mr. Conservative". The posts, most of which have been scrubbed, are garden-variety White Republican douchery, honestly. Recycled Limbaugh tropes from the late 90s. Native Americans run casinos, har de har. Women wear bras! Sarah Palin is a babe! Gay people are gross! Obama's from Kenya!

It's low-class, hacky, and full of cheap shots, and should at least provide a few speed bumps to his candidacy. I don't know about "offensive" or disqualifying him from office based on modern standards - classless, privileged hackwork currently has a majority in the House of Representatives - but if his opponents want to make hay out of it, they've got a basis to do so.

And so Minnesota Republicans tried to create an equal-but-opposite scandal about a Democrat, and decided, presumably due to the lack of better options, to seize on... OK, look. You're going to find this difficult to believe, so structurally, it's just vitally important that I give this information to you in its own paragraph, insisting beforehand that I am in fact shitting you not.

They seized on a thirteen-second cell phone clip of Franken holding a pair of traffic cones to his chest like boobs.

And so they called upon four Republican lady-politicians to pretend to be deeply offended by Franken's "pattern of behavior to degrade women and to put women down." What this pattern of behavior is or was beyond traffic-cone boobs has not been disclosed. Neither has how traffic cone boobs degrade women or put women down. It just does, OK?

And since Democrats demanded that Hagedorn apologize for eight years of internet douchery, Republicans have demanded that Franken apologize for thirteen seconds of curbside orangetittery. Because those are totally the same.

But since Republican self-awareness to Republican pathos would in fact lead to the extinction of the Republican party, I suppose this kind of thing will keep happening.