« September 2014 »

Memo to the 2,499 previous honorees: AIN'T DONE YET.

500 columns ago, I celebrated the 2,000th column at You Are Dumb, even though technically it wasn't quite 2,000 yet because Drupal's numbering system includes a few pages for site stuff. But counting the actual number is work, so I said fuck it, that was 2,000. And now it's 2,500.

Which, come to think of it, is a fuckload. An epic fuckload. Even if you discount the copouts and the reruns and the best-ofs (most of which end up being more work than just yelling at new people) it's still an epic fuckload.

Which is a bit nuts, really. It didn't make me famous, or rich, or anything. I have a small, fairly devoted audience, but I have no illusions that if I stopped, it'd take a month, tops, for people to stop missing it. That's not faux modesty fishing for praise e-mails either, so cut it out.

So, why do I do it? For two reasons. One, I think it helps keep me sharp, helps keep me engaged with the world, helps keep certain parts of my brain toned and fit. And since it's the only part of my body that could be described as toned or fit, it behooves me to keep it that way.

And the other reason? Well, that other reason is made up of a bunch of smaller reasons.

Because the United States Air Force decided to spend most of the past year demanding that new recruits swear an oath to the Judeo-Christian god in order to bomb heathens.

Because Marin County, California thinks that having kids trade $60 violent video games for $3 ice cream cones will stop domestic violence.

Because people get to be in charge of things, like California suburbs, while believing that helping homeless people just enables them.

Because people get to be in charge of things like writing laws while believing that Common Core is a Trojan horse for homosexual propaganda.

Because, well, Fox.

Because, well, Chris Matthews and Joe Scarborough, too.

Because people thought Steven Spielberg hunted and killed a dinosaur.

Because shitkickers with guns will go places like the border, ranches, and Chili's and fuck things up for everybody.

Because we're botching executions.

Because we're having executions.

Because atheists are still getting shit on too much.

Because creationists are still not getting shit on enough.

Because Michele Bachmann ain't out of office yet.

And, ultimately, because the system is working as intended when it fucks us all.

See you in a couple years at 3,000.