Driving Toward 2016

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Memo to Amanda Collier, Rick Perry, and Michele Bachmann: YOU ARE DUMB.

We're rapidly approaching a time when thinking about the 2016 presidential campaign doesn't cause hives, dry heaving, and a lingering sense that the American political process is a hideous joke played out at our expense. But since we're not quite there yet, let's start this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS with a southern palate cleanser before we get into the 2016 talk.

"There is a list of more than 6,000 plates that are strictly banned and will not be allowed on any tag in the state." - Amanda Collier, Alabama Department of Revenue.

I would love to see that list. I mean, I assume TITYFUK is one of them, right? It's Alabama, so I bet WHTPOWR probably isn't banned. Or COUSNLV. How much longer can I come up with ridiculous filthy license plates (DSANCHEZ) before getting to the point and telling you what license plate definitely isn't on that list? No longer. Coincidentally, the plate? "NO HOMO", as revealed by a photo of one no doubt classy Alabama resident's car.

Now, this raises an interesting oversight question. How, exactly, does the custom license plate process work? I don't expect the lowly DMV official taking the application to be able to make a judgment call on "NO HOMO", nor would I want that to be left to individual clerks. But you're telling me Alabama can't have it be part of someone's job to look over the list of new applications and catch offensive ones that missed the List Of Banned Plates? Or, if they do, they thought "NO HOMO" would be OK? Thanks, Alabama.

"People think we're going to run, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.” - Rick Perry, starved for attention.

Aw, Rick. I'm sorry social injustice has pushed you out of the limelight. And you know dangling your 2016 balls in the face of the Associated Press is a great way to get a few extra column inches, if you'll pardon the expression. You're acting a little desperate for aattention, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I've made no secret that I relish a 2016 Rick Perry run, especially if, as seems to be the plan, he chooses Fake Dork Glasses as his running mate. But with the field shaping up the way it is, with Ben Carson taking the Crazier Herman Cain role, we need Pretend Bizarro Smart Rick Perry more than ever. Especially if this third quote I'm about to talk about proves fruitful.

"I occupy a unique space. I am the only woman who has been in presidential debates on the Republican ticket... I think it will develop as we go what my level of involvement will be." - Michele Bachmann, insisting she has no plans, no really, to run for president.

Certainly, when it comes to Republicans letting a women talk near them, Bachmann occupies a fairly unique space. On the other hand, "insane dipshit who somehow gets listened to and gains power" is such a crowded field these days it's in danger of becoming a cliche.

But I do enjoy watching Michele Bachmann fail at things, so I hope her coyness translates into the same kind of psychotic hubris that caused her to throw her tinfoil hat into the ring a few years ago. Can you imagine a stage with Perry, Carson, Bachmann, Huckabee, Cruz, Rand Paul, and I guess Jeb Bush on it? The carnage would be glorious.