Not Pullin' A Hammy Today

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31

Memo to Rick Perry, Sean Hannity, and Peter King: YOU ARE DUMB.

It seems like forever since I've done a proper IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS. And since I don't want to cramp up, I think I'll stick with some of my favorite low-hanging fruit from the last three weeks. Let's start with a quote so obvious that if the guy who said it had been wearing some kind of, say, super-smart glasses at the time, I'd think he was trolling me.

"Running for the presidency's not an IQ test. It is a test of an individual's resolve. It's a test of an individual's philosophy. It's a test of an individual's life's experiences." - My personal favorite 2016 contender, Rick Perry, being simultaneously right and wrong.

Obviously, Rick Perry has history on his side with his first assertion. Well, not his own history, since one of the big reasons he didn't succeed in 2012 is because he failed the IQ test. But lots of IQ failures have succeeded, and lots more have failed for reasons other than being complete pudding-brains.

But resolve? Philosophy? Life experiences? The guy's a former Texas governor. I'm sure he's familiar with his predecessors in that office, including the one who spends his days painting toilets after somehow winning the presidency despite a lack of IQ, resolve, philosophy, and life experiences so intense that it was notable even within the sphere of American politics. Try money, luck, favorable press, and money as your four biggies and I'll think those glasses are actually doing some good, Rick.

"Lets do the BEST OF MEDIAITE CONCHA. ALL THE REST OF U MEDIAMATTERS WANNABEES SUCK IMHO . #badge of honor" - Sean Hannity, on Twitter, after a Mediate survey of his colleagues awarded him the title "Worst Of Fox News".

This happened three days before Christmas, and is, quite honestly, the single closest thing to a Christmas Miracle I've ever encountered. Trying to pick a best part is like trying to choose a favorite child - you say it's difficult, but in your heart you know it's really easy.

Because Sean Hannity, in impotent rage, leaving off the "Y" and the "O" in "YOU" just so he'd have two extra characters so he could put unnecessary and counter-productive spaces in #badgeofhonor", thereby breaking the hashtag and proving he doesn't understand how the Internet works, is so utterly delightful it almost makes me believe in Santa Claus. Also, I love the "IMHO" in there like it helps mitigate the enraged flecks of froth. Oh, and "Concha" is a guy who works for Mediaite, not that that helps the overall comprehensibility in the slightest.

"It's important for the President and the mayor, if they are serious about healing what they believe is this rift — or this feud, if you will, this chasm — in race relations, for them to come out and start giving praise to the police." - Peter King, the second-dumbest King in Congress merely by dint of luck.

There is certainly a long tradition that, when minorities and the powerless speak out against being abused by the majority and the powerful, it is the role of the majority to get their feefees hurt, their panties in a knot, and demand that their affront be redressed as soon as possible, as loudly as possible, and in a way that reinforces the existing status quo as much as possible.

So clearly, the solution to the race relations problem (which King, by the way, blames entirely on Obama and DeBlasio for making Eric Garner's death somehow about race just because he was the Nth black guy to get killed by a bunch of white cops and get away with it) is for Obama to start saying nice things about police officers so the police officers won't be so mad at black people anymore. Let's get right on that.