Gonna Be An Awesome Election

« January 2015 »

Memo to Mike Huckabee, Barry McHugh, and Bob Beckel: YOU ARE DUMB.

Nothing fancy this week. When you have fine ingredients like weird culture war, epic malfeasance by authority, or self-declaration of proud bigotry, you don't need to mess with them much. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"That's the whole point. I don't understand how on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful about the intake of everything – how much broccoli they eat and where they go to school and making sure they're kind of sheltered and shielded from so many things – and yet they don't see anything that might not be suitable for either a preteen or a teen in some of the lyrical content and choreography of Beyonce, who has sort of a regular key to the door (to the White House)." - Mike Huckabee, making 2016 the best year ever.

This has been a great week for 2016 presidential news, if you don't count Elizabeth Warren once again ruling out running to the left of Hillary Clinton. Paul Ryan, who the press inexplicably loves, is not running - and it's probably because he got a call from Mitt Romney, who apparently wants to run for president again, this time on an anti-poverty agenda, because Mitt Romney is actually Andy Kaufman.

And then Huckabee continued his weird anti-Beyonce ranting, last seen in his latest Stupid Politician Book. I think the only thing funnier than Mitt Romney's new urchin-bootstrap platform would be a Huckabee campaign based entirely around the horrific moral turpitude of one of America's favorite entertainers. This is going to be so awesome I'll probably barely escape my Gotta Vote For Hillary Election Day Aneurysm.

"I have concluded that my office's request to have an arrest warrant issued was a mistake under the circumstances. I regret this having taken place and will do everything in my power to avoid this type of mistake in the future." - Idaho prosecutor Barry McHugh, setting a new standard for law enforcement aaccountability.

Now, I would normally throw my full support behind any attempt by the American judicial system to examine its own actions andd realize that they fucked up. But in this case, the "circumstances" in question are the kind of thing where, if you have to realize after the fact that it was a bad idea, you probably shouldn't be trusted with more than three nested shopping carts at a time, much less protecting and serving.

Because McHugh's office issued and carried out an arrest warrant for a nine-year-old child who allegedly stole a pack of gum. Oh, and then kept the kid in a juvenile detention center for three days, because Idaho is what you get when Montana and Florida fuck. Dozens of people were involved in this whole process, and not one of them stopped to say, "Hey, maybe this is an awful idea thhat will totally make us look like assholes."? Congratulations on "concluding" that you made a mistake.

"I just wrote a piece for USA Today that'll be in next week. It said, 'I'm an Islamophobe.' That's right, you can call me that all you want. How can you possibly not call these Islamist terrorists? You're making us the enemy. We're the enemy because we're Islamophobes, apparently." - Bob Beckel, who Fox News calls a "liberal" and who someday I will have to reckon with at length.

You are the enemy because you're Islamophobes, yes. However, you're not an Islamophobe because you're afraid of Islamic terrorism, or that you identify Muslim terrorists as Muslims. The latter is fact, the former is mostly ignorant paranoia because, really, terrorism isn't that big a risk for a well-paid American TV personality.

You're an Islamophobe because first, you act like Muslim terrorists are Muslims first and terrorists second, instead of the other way around. And also because you're part of an organization that deliberately instills fear of billions of ordinary people while also deliberately pretending that those billions of ordinary people somehow support terrorism and murder. So if you want to wear that as a badge of honor, great, but tell Fox News to replace your "liberal" label with it. Don't tell them it'll help with clarity, though. They're not into that.