Popes And Martyrs

« January 2015 »

Memo to Pope Francis, Bobby Jindal, and Dinesh D'Souza: YOU ARE DUMB.

In the modern era of communication, there are tricks of language that crazy assholes use to sound like reasonable members of polite society. These tricks rely on people accepting at face value the tone and semantic cues of the language being used, without applying critical thinking skills to the actual content. As a result, these tricks are disappointingly effective, because in the end, all it boils down to is IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The key word here is responsible parenthood and each person works out how to exercise this with the help of their pastor… Sorry, some people think that in order to be good Catholics we have to breed like rabbits, right? Responsible parenthood: this is why there are marriage support groups in the Church with people who are experts on such issues; and there are pastors and I know that there are many acceptable solutions that have helped with this.” - Pope Francis, who, I need to remind you, is still a Pope.

Everybody likes Pope Francis, but most people don't realize why or how they like him. Imagine you've had, say, a C-clamp screwed down tight onto one of your nipples for decades. And then, one day, someone comes along and replaces the C-clamp with a clothespin. Most of you would feel a sense of relief. A sense of gratitude. You'd appreciate the clothespin. But you'd still have something clamping onto your nipple.

And so it is with Pope Francis saying Catholics don't have to breed like rabbits. And he's right, they don't! They just have to either abstain from sex, or live in a world of constant anxiety, knowing that the kinds of techniques an elderly, celibate man finds "acceptable" could fail at any time leading to another child. All for the sake of... of... I'll be perfectly honest here. I have no idea what theological or moral basis the Catholic Church has for hating condoms but thinking pulling out is just dandy. Not a goddamned clue. He may be nicer than other Popes, but the fucker's still making millions of people miserable to uphold a rule that makes no sense.

"I think your viewers know absolutely there are places where the police are less likely to go. They absolutely know there are neighborhoods where they wouldn't feel comfortable... I knew by speaking the truth we were gonna make people upset." - Bobby Jindal, on CNN, moving the goalposts, and also the goalposts are a cross, and also he's climbing up and nailing himself to his moving goalposts cross.

It's important to always remember that the modern Republican party is comprised, to a startling degree, of people who read and believe your crazy aunt's forwarded-to-infinity e-mail chain letters. Like Bobby Jindal here. In a speech in London, Jindal repeated a popular right-wing myth - that Europe is peppered by Muslim "enclaves" where Sharia law is practiced and the countries' regular laws are not applied or enforced. This claim made news just days before when Fox News had to publicly admit that the people they put on camera making them were full of shit.

But Bobby Jindal knows better. He knows that even if the enclaves he said existed don't exist, there are still neighborhoods where police officers might feel a little uncomfortable, and since that's exactly the same thing as Sharia law, so you're just upset at his politically-incorrect truth-speaking! Even though CNN's audience knows absolutely that Jindal is right... Jindal "thinks". And just a couple of years ago, this yahoo was a rising star in the GOP, and was dethroned only because of an awkward speech.

"AN INTERESTING PARALLEL: MLK was targeted by J. Edgar Hoover, an unsavory character; I was targeted by the equally unsavory B. Hussein Obama" - Dinesh D'Souza, on Twitter, showing limited understanding of at least five more English words: "interesting", "parallel", "targeted", "equally", and "unsavory".

Although, really, I shouldn't be mocking D'Souza for his medical condition. I have it on good authority that D'Souza suffers from the world's most severe case of amplified carpal-rectal inversion syndrome. Basically, it's a nervous system disorder in which a small slap on the wrist can cause lingering, chronic, intense butthurt.

As you may recall, D'Souza got probation and community service after PLEADING GUILTY to felony violations of campaign finance law - violations that didn't even help get his hopeless candidate friend elected. Hoover, on the other hand, amongst other things, sent MLK a letter calling him an "evil, abnormal beast", aand threatened to expose MLK's sex life unless King did something - something King interpreted as suicide. So, let's really hope Jindal left room on his goalpost cross, because D'Souza needs a ride.