The World's Worst Hat-Trick

« May 2015 »

Memo to Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina: SPREAD YOURSELVES OUT.

For fuck's sake, people, you're Republican presidential candidates, not new cast members for the Suicide Squad movie. I mean, sure, there's a whole lot of you, and most of you are obscure, and nearly all of you are expendable, but that doesn't make you the cast of Suicide Squad, it makes you the actual Suicide Squad. So maybe spread out the introductions. You'll all be dropping out of the race around the same time anyway. The point is, I have a lot of announcements to get through, so let's get the big money quotes out of the way. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"When I hear our current president say he wants Christians to get off their high horse so we can make nice with radical jihadists, I wonder if he can watch a Western from the '50s and be able to figure out who the good guys and the bad guys were.” - Mike Huckabee, saying it all right there, really.

Um, Mike? I hate to break this to you, because I know how important your shitty little worldview is to you, but the morality of 1950s cowboy movies? Yeah, that was a drastic oversimplification of reality, and in fact, a lot of the time, made villains out of wronged indigenous peoples just because they weren't white and Christian. It wasn't the actual morality of the actual world, it was a myth, a fantasy, something to make the people on top feel good about how they got there cough cough smallpox blankets cough trail of tears cough.

It's not that we didn't know you subscribed to a ridiculous, black and white, good versus evil philosophy where "good" was represented by everything you were and "evil" was represented by everything else. You are, after all, a fucking moron, and have proved that time and time again over your regrettable decades in the spotlight. But if you're going to run for President, you probably shouldn't advertise that you're basing your foreign policy on a weird mental mashup of the Crusades and F Troop.

"You know what? If the unemployment rate was down to 5.5 percent, our economy would be humming. But obviously it's not ... what you have to know is that you can make the unemployment rate anything you want it to be based on what numbers you include and what numbers you exclude. You have to look at the labor force participation rate." - Ben Carson, who I am required to remind you is legally permitted to poke at brains with sharp objects.

First, for the record, not only can I not quote a gospel choir singing Eminem's "Lose Yourself", which is a thing that actually happened during Ben Carson's presidential announcement, I also can't even begin to unpack the racial politics of a black Republican using an Eminem song to announce his presidential run in Detroit. It's just too much.

Instead, I'll point out that there's a difference between the unemployment rate being an imperfect picture of the economic struggles that average citizens are encountering, and Barack Obama's administration deliberately manipulating the unemployment rate to make themselves look better. The first is a nuanced view of economics, and the second is what people say when they're off their meds, or, thanks to the dismantling of America's mental health care system, were never properly on them in the first place and thus think World Net Daily is a reliable narrator. So, um, thanks for letting us know who your core constituency will be, I guess?

"It's only possible in the United States of America for a young woman to start as a secretary and become a CEO and maybe, just maybe, run for the presidency of the United states.” - Carly Fiorina, back in April, because most of the quotes I could find from her announcement on Good Morning America were boring.

This isn't from her announcement, although I would point out that in her announcement she called for an end to "identity politics", which is hilarious both in the context of her candidacy and in light of the quote above. The quote above is also hilarious because, yes, absolutely, only in America can a woman run for president of the United States. You can't get much more American exceptionalism-y than that!

Of course, when it comes to a woman growing up to become the leader of their country, it becomes only in America and most of the rest of the world. And America hasn't done it yet. If the Internet is to be trusted, in fact, Hillary and Carly will be racing to try to give the United States a female leader LESS THAN A CENTURY after the Ukraine did it in 1917. And even without that, um, Thatcher, Merkel, Gandhi, Aquino... the point is, there's a long, long list. At least a couple dozen, depending on who's counting and how. And there's no denying that for at least another year and a half, Oh So Special Wonderful America still isn't on it.